Convincing the world I’m not just playing dress-up
I have been told countless times that, in the decades to come, I will be eternally grateful about looking young for my age.
However, at the moment, it’s a pretty big pain in the ass.
This is mostly because I’m already partially situated in a profession in which I am objectively quite young (non-stop university since ending high school has done something right for me!). As such, both being 26 in and of itself and looking many years younger than that is making for a bit of a double whammy.
While others in my cohort have taken to waltzing into therapy sessions in jeans, I have to continually deck myself out in uber-professional gear to maintain a semblance of authority. Sure, I know that my skills will gradually overwhelm first impressions, but I still feel as though I need to battle them head on. I still remember the first therapy group I co-led, in which there were confused looks richocheting off every corner of the room when it was announced that I was, in fact, the co-leader, and not another group member. I am getting used to people’s automatic prejudices and defenses- businessmen who keep on forgetting that I am not a college sophomore, for instance, despite the fact that I am their therapist.
The double whammy morphs into a triple whammy in my current job in forensic psychiatry (in other words, I work with criminals) with the female factor piling onto the 20-something-who-looks-like-she-just-reached-legal-drinking-age factor.
Granted, most of my clients have been remarkably polite (nicely disproving my own stereotypes). However, there are always a few who can’t decide if they want to objectify me or patronize me. As such, a day at the prison may well include being blown kisses by the inmates who line up to stare at my ass as I walk by, as well as being lectured by a client about why I shouldn’t be working in a correctional setting without a friend.
At this moment, however, my axe is to grind with the correctional staff. I’m usually coming by at least once or twice a month, clearly representing a government organization, clipboard in hand, dressed professionally. Yet people still ask me as I leave if I’m done my “school stuff” for the day (while, yes, I’m technically a student, I’m sure they aren’t thinking PhD work when they ask about “school stuff”– and this is my job).
Today, when I arrived, fellow at the front desk called to say he was sending a girl down. Call me crazy, but do you think he ever referred to my male co-worker as a boy?
September 15th, 2008 at 5:04 am
Call me crazy, but do you think he ever referred to my male co-worker as a boy?
We get called ‘boys’ and ‘girls’ (according to our gender type, natch) by one of the older senior managers here. I guess your guy might have said ‘boy’ if the boy looked youtful too? Maybe? In a ‘glass is half full kind of way’?
September 15th, 2008 at 7:46 am
I also look young for my age and people are constantly asking me how my undergrad studies are going even though I’m several years out now. Yes, it’ll be nice when I’m 40 but for now, I’d prefer to look my age.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:50 am
I fear I am going to have the same experiences when I start my internship next week. My entire life I have looked younger than my actual age, which hasn’t really caused any major problems… yet. Next week I will be 24, working as a group therapist in a substance abuse center, where most of my clients will be twice my age. I’m afraid I won’t be taken seriously, etc., etc., everything you mentioned in this post. At least I know I’m not the only one dealing with it.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:13 am
Oh, how I feel your pain. But it’s often the same when you work with the other side of the age spectrum, too! I’m a substitute teacher so I get the age question a lot, but last week was pretty bad as I was actually mistaken for a 7th grader. Walking into the gym for cheerleading practice that I help coach, a student asked me if I went there.
“No, I DON”T go here.”
“What grade are you in?”
“I’ve been out of ‘grades’ for a long time.”
“How long?”
“6 years.”
I walked away and then heard her scream, “Oh my god, you’re 24?! You don’t look 24!”
I just kept walking…thinking as we all do of when we’re 40 and looking half our age.
September 15th, 2008 at 11:26 am
Oh man, I’ve always been the same way - look very young for my age. As I approach thirty I’m pretty damn thankful for it but I get what you are saying. It is super annoying. And what an ass calling you a “girl”. Really? Geez…
September 15th, 2008 at 11:30 am
I have it the same way. I’m 26 and a registered nurse. I have patients a few times a week say things like, “Did you start your training when you were 12?” or, “You’re a young little thing, aren’t you?” I just want them to trust that I’m qualified for this job and can take care of them.
September 15th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
Man, that must be so frustrating. I too look young for my age (I think!) but at least my job is just an admin job so it doesn’t HELP me to look older. I hate when people assume i’m so much younger than I am though, in the sense that they think I’m not capable because of it.
September 15th, 2008 at 5:02 pm
ok I am totally looking into my future at the workplace reading this.
if i had a penny (that’s right, a PENNY) for everytime someone said i looked younger than my age, I could be lounging on a caribbean island sipping mojitos and dripping in diamonds.
i work as a cashier at a home goods store and I had a customer come up to me, ask me a question, and then quickly follow that up by saying: “oh forget it you don’t know anything. you’re just a little girl.”
(i’m 22) so when one of my co-workers corrected her, she got so embarrassed that quickly apologized and said “oh i didn’t mean it that way.”
and the other way would be?
September 15th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
that’s irritating. I know because I always got the younger thing, too. When I was 16, it was 12 and I’m 23 and sometimes it’s STILL 12, despite having a baby of my own.
When I was 18 I worked full-time at a salon. A man literally walked up to me and whispered how old are you? I told him so and he looked so embarassed. He told me he thought I was much too young and was glad he asked because he was going to call Social Services! Sheesh.
My boyfriend was buying cigarrettes for someone when the cashier carded him. He’s 26 and was still okay with this… until he let the kid next to him buy without ID and he was wearing his HIGH SCHOOL t-shirt.
September 15th, 2008 at 6:51 pm
I always, always feel young and I hate it. I feel like people look at me and think “nice try.”
September 15th, 2008 at 6:57 pm
I may look my age or older, but I always FEEL young. I feel like I’m too young to be working or have any responsibilities at all.
September 15th, 2008 at 9:14 pm
Ahh, your last line says it all. I DEFINITELY look young for my age (I’ve yet to pay adult price at the movies and I’m 27), and although I love, love, love saving a few bucks- it sucks when you get told that you should apply for a junior high teaching position because you don’t look old enough.
Boo.
September 15th, 2008 at 10:30 pm
i too, am quite young-looking for my age. and unbelievably earnest and innocent. i positively reek of it. it gets hella annoying when you feel the patroniziing act from people your OWN age!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 12:40 am
Brennig- Could be a linguistic thing, I suppose. I guess it just seems inappropriate to call anyone “boy” or “girl” in a professional environment– especially when you don’t know them!
e.- Yeah, the student question seems to be the easy way to say “you look 18!”
Ashley D- Honestly, I think it is a pretty common dilemma in our field. I kind of wish it was more overtly addressed in courses. In fact, there are a lot of assumptions people make about their therapists that I would have liked to have learned more about… like the whole idea that we are perfectly mentally healthy and well-balanced in all aspects of our lives!
Amber- Wow! I guess it’s all about context…
Smilf- Honestly, except for the professional thing, it doesn’t bug me as much as it did when I was younger. Like being mistaken for my sister’s younger sis when I was 17 and she was 14… seemed like the greatest tragedy in the world at the time.
Kathleen- It’s almost like they have to acknowledge that you look young as part of the routine or something!
Paula- It would be fine if there were no assumptions about competence tied into the whole thing.
thatShortChick- Yeah, outside of bad pornos, I can’t think of any time calling someone “just a little girl” is ever appropriate. Jeez.
MissB- Gah! You’d think the mother thing would make it a little more obvious…
Nicole- Yeah, I think it does a number on my self-esteem at times, because I feel as though I am already fighting assumptions before I open my mouth.
Maxie- I swear, I have a whole post about that somewhere in my brain. I have serious imposter syndrome.
Brandy- When they actually suggest you take a job you don’t want because of it, it has gone too far. Boo to that indeed.
Libby- No doubt. I say you surprise them by doing something way out of left field… then go back to regular Libby without ever acknowledging it.
September 16th, 2008 at 10:48 am
I’m with you. One day my boss said, “I’m with ‘little sara’ today.” Since then, I’ve been calling him “Big Bill”.
September 16th, 2008 at 1:06 pm
Urg!! So frusterating!!
I totally relate to this, I used to work in government and this was torture to deal with. I think that part of it is that people are surprised and don’t know how to deal with competent young people.
When they all start retiring in droves at least there’s some of us who will be ready to step in and take over the world - ‘little’ or not.
September 16th, 2008 at 9:18 pm
I know exactly how you feel! Im 22 and every single person who sees me thinks I look between 12 and 15 years old. Its so annoying and I wish there was some kind of plastic surgery to make myself look older, but there not lol
September 16th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
A lot of people can’t believe that I’m old enough to buy beer.
September 17th, 2008 at 12:43 pm
The other day I was driving and ran into someone who knows my mom. He was like “oh! you finally got your license! what are you like 17 now?”
No, dude, you’re about 7 years off. I’m 24!
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:54 am
Okay, so I’m like a week late on this, but HA.
I loved this post.
Because I’m in the same. exact. boat.
Oh my gosh.
And I don’t like it!
October 28th, 2008 at 7:02 pm
Interesting to know.