marry me off, why don’t you!
It really bothers me that once a girl reaches her mid-twenties, a lot of people think it’s all of a sudden time for her to settle down. At family get togethers there are always awkward questions. Friends getting married and people looking at me expecting me to flash some bling at them and yell out a date. Running into people I graduated from high school with hearing about their two kids. The best is when I’m asked if I’ve had any kids yet.
Seriously?
Some people have it all planned out. Get married at 25, house by 28 and kids by 30. That’s fine and all because it’s your choice but why is it assumed that everyone else has to do it that way?
Not everyone thinks this and I’m not knocking those who choose to settle down young so don’t get yourself all into a tizzy.
I’m talking about the people who think everyone needs to do this. Maybe it’s just my family or people in my neighborhood. Maybe this doesn’t happen to other young women at all!
Maybe it could be that I’m so content taking my relationship each day at a time rather than planning it all out. Of course, I think about the future. Everyone does but I’m just not in a rush.
I love him and he loves me. We are happy together and having a great time. Isn’t that enough for the moment? Why is everyone in such a hurry to plan my life away?
Does anyone else field these kind of questions?
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:32 am
I think everyone gets that, unfortunately. I’m lucky enough that I don’t get it TOO much. I really think people on the East coast tend to marry later and thus there’s not as much pressure because not everyone is going off and getting married and having babies and whatnot.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:44 am
I knew I was going to love this post from the very first line.
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:53 am
I come from a small town, a small town where approximately ¼ of my graduating class are now currently engaged or married. Besides one cousin, every married person in my family has gotten married in their early twenties. I start getting questions about engagements after I’ve been dating a guy approximately 6 months. My cousin actually had an intense discussion about rings with my ex-boyfriend after a year. My mother actually told me my ex must not be serious about me because he didn’t beg me to move in with him when my lease was up this past summer. They just think a relationship has to progress or end. I’m getting to be more ok with it, maybe because I’m one of those women who has a timeline. However my timeline is pretty lax, and it’s more of a “I always thought X would happen by the time I was 25,” than a “X has to happen by the time I’m 25 or I’ll die!”
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 am
I come from a small town as well where most of my friends have already had children, married, divorced, are currently engaged. Its hard being single in your mid 20’s. Even harder when your extended family of great aunts and grandmother think you should be married with children by now. When I get questions about why aren’t I settling down yet, I like to give comepletely random shocking answers like “If I settled down, I would have to quit hooking up with random guys I meet at the bar.”
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:57 am
I got both - being told I should get married, then being told I’m TOO YOUNG to get married.
Ay.
I think people just like to assert their opinions all over us.
(And now? The kid pressure has starting. BACK OFF PEOPLE!)
September 23rd, 2008 at 9:58 am
Here’s the weird thing, I’m 28, married for 6 years with a 4 year old. When I tell people my age they act like I got married young. it’s almost like getting married right out of college is like getting married right out of high school now. They make it seem like we got married too young. But these are the same people that will wonder about you if you aren’t married by 26. That only gives you 4 years to find your soul mate, fall in love, get engaged and plan your wedding.
But no pressure…..
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:06 am
My grandpa uses guilt. He tells my cousin (who is a week older than me) and me that he’d really like a great grandchild before he dies. And since he’s nearing 90, we don’t have much time. I think he forgets that we’re not in the 30s or 40s anymore. Women are waiting longer to have children, get married, etc.
Personally I’m okay with not being married. It’s kind of freaking me out that so many of my 20-something friends are engaged. It makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong since I don’t want to be popping out babies just yet.
The man friend’s family thinks he’s gay since he’s not married. At least my family hasn’t started accusing me of that one yet.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:07 am
Yes, yes, yes. Except in my home town you get married right after college. I feel like the old maid now.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:14 am
having just spent the past FOUR YEARS of my life in a relationship, i’ve certainly fielded my fair share of “have you set a date yets” and really, it starts to get old and a little annoying after a while. so what if i didn’t run off and get married at 22 like 90% of my graduating class did. it annoys me that people automatically assume that i was unhappy because i wasn’t at least engaged.
turns out, it was good not to jump in to something too soon, it would have made getting out so much harder. as much as i like to think that sort of commitment would have saved us, we all know that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
now? i’m re-evaluating my life, taking time for me, and giving everyone who asks when i’m getting married the middle finger.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:24 am
Just the other day my mom mentioned that I had “one year left to find a husband!!!” She meant as a grad student, but yeah, I feel the pressure.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:54 am
I think that in all of these situations it has a lot to do with other people’s expectations. I’m getting married at 23 and I’ve had people asking me if I’m going to start having babies this year, which totally blows my mind. Not because people don’t do that, but because it has nothing to do with who I am and where I’m at, and everything to do with what they think they should be asking me.
There’s almost no thought involved.
I think, in large part, the people who ask about when you’re getting married, when you’re having kids, and when you’re getting your grad degree just don’t know what to ask.
They feel awkward so they hit the most obvious, general thing they can think of. Maybe the best thing to do in these situations is to smile, say “No, but I’ve been __________” and give them something else they can hold on to.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:59 am
I don’t think anyone needs to do it…or feel like they SHOULD. Hell, I wasn’t even planning on getting married. Mainly because I didn’t think I’d love anybody enough to spend my entire life with them. Things happen, though. My parents knew Jesse was going to ask me to marry him…but they still asked what I said when I told him he asked. OF COURSE I SAID YES!!! (My parents were actually pretty scared about my whole never-getting-married talks…)
Fortunately, I went to three different high schools and I don’t have a hometown. That fact sucks at many other times, but right now, I’m comforted by the fact that I don’t have to go back to a place where people might ask me those questions. I have faced them at the yearly family reunion for Thanksgiving - which I thankfully avoided last year, I had to put my foot down. Even though I have something to say now, people weighing that against their societal expectations is just lame.
I’ve kept up with people’s statuses via facebook, and I’m fine with what everybody’s chosen to do; it’s their life. I just abhor projections people make on me, and I would never lower myself to do that to other people.
You have free will ! Do what you want ! HURRAH !
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:02 am
i always get the: “i don’t understand why you don’t have a boyfriend already?” and the: “what’s taking you so long to find a man?”
but then it’s usually followed by “oh you’ll have plenty of time to find the right one. you’re still so young.”
ugh.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:22 am
All. The. Time.
I’m 28 so it’s more pure shock that I’m not in a committed relationship, let alone married with two kids and another on the way.
I never had a plan growing up, so I never feel bad about being single at 28. Unfortunately I have friends who were like “I have to be married by 25″ and so at 24 and a half they are desperate, and sadly their marriages didn’t end up working out.
I don’t care if I’m 35 or 40 when I get married…I just want to get it right.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:58 am
I cannot thank you enough for writing this post. It is something I think about often as I watch all my friends get married or engaged and here I am, quite content with my relationship as-is. I also don’t know if I’ll ever want to get married (but that’s another issue altogether). Having that constant pressure is rather ridiculous and doesn’t it represent the opposite of what marriage is supposed to be. Not to mention the fact that, by rushing into marriage, don’t you think that more divorce is going to be the end result and not more happy couples!?
Also, I hate the notion that non-married/non-engaged couples might be treated differently at social gatherings — I recently was invited to a wedding and there didn’t seem to be any room on the RSVP card to write in my little “+1.” So I called my friend and asked if she minded that I bring my boyfriend who I have been living with for one year. She was very sorry, but space was tight, etc. etc. So my boyfriend stayed home while I flew to California to see a good friend get married. Meanwhile, another friend showed up at the wedding with his girlfriend and it dawned on me — well, they’re engaged. Perhaps, if I were engaged, the whole situation might’ve been different.
I also want to mention that there was an empty seat at my table, right frickin next to me.
Clearly I have thoughts on the matter.
September 23rd, 2008 at 11:58 am
aie. i know whatcha mean.
i just don’t get the rush. the questions coming from older relatives are likely because when they were in their 20s? it was pretty much a GIVEN they would be married with children by 25.
we don’t have, or shouldn’t have, that pressure anymore. and i love it.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:34 pm
See, I’ve gotten both sides of the coin.
On one hand, growing up I was always being asked about having a boyfriend. Even when I was twelve, it was the thing at family gatherings to pressure me into spilling the details of my then non-existent love life.
But now that I’m in that frame of mind of getting married and actually finding someone that I’m head over heels for… Everyone is like WHOA getting married so young.
It’s weird.
Yes, I may be young, but at the same time I know what I want and am responsible enough to be able to support a decision like this… And I’m happy, so WHAT GIVES?!
Did I miss the day in grade school when they gave us the age bracket when marriage was or was not appropriate? That must have been the day I had strep.
I think if you know what you want and are happy with where you are right now, I say more power to you, regardless of whether you are 45 or 18.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:50 pm
it really use to bother me when I got pregnant with LilB that EVERYONE and their MOTHER would ask me when we were getting married. I would always say, just because I’m having a baby doesn’t mean I HAVE to get married. They would have some snide remark about how we pretty much are already so we should just “get it over with.”
umm…yeah. no. Eventually I just started saying marriage SUCKS and I NEVER wanted to get married because it hadn’t worked out so great for my dad.
but really, I do want to. I just got sick of people being up my ass all the time. I’m going to do it when I want to and not when other people tell me I should. kids or no.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Oh for sure! Since my early 20s I’ve been asked if I have a boyfriend and if not, why don’t I have a boyfriend? What’s wrong with me? Yes, these are the questions that people continuously ask.
Then if there is a boyfriend, when are you two going to get hitched. Um, I’ve known him for like five seconds so chill.
It’s a continuous cycle. They never give up. Annoying as hell.
September 23rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm
I know TONS of people who get that! However, since I’m single what I tend to get is just comments like Marie’s above regarding “do you have a boyfriend” etc and “the right one will come along” and loads of patronising garbage that actually makes me want to become a LESBIAN or join a NUNNERY rather than have to ever find a guy and then put up with the “when are you getting married” questions!
So even though I’m not in a relationship, I can still feel your pain!
September 23rd, 2008 at 5:43 pm
Whenever our family asks, “So when is the baby coming?” to me or my husband, we answer with, “In about 10 years.” That seems to shut them up.
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:30 pm
24 freakin 7– everyone in my town is married and has 85 children so I get asked all the time stupid questions like that.
fight the power, jamie!
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:53 pm
I’ve been in school for 9 years, so everyone has given up on me for the time being! (nearly a decade’s tuition = no money for weddings).
September 23rd, 2008 at 10:55 pm
i field these questions constantly. being 28 and not even dating anyone, its tough. having been to 33 weddings in the three years is even tougher.
throw a big fat greek family on top of it, with a grandma who says, “i’m not dying till i see you walk down the aisle” makes it almost unbearable.
when my time comes it will come! until then, shut the F up.
September 24th, 2008 at 4:10 am
I need to call my grandma soon and I was going to call her tonight. As I went to find the phone (that turned out to be dead, but that’s not really the point) I thought to myself, “she’s going to ask if I have a boyfriend. Again.”
the sad thing isn’t that she asks though. It’s that I’m just as disappointed as her, probably more, when I have to say no. Again.
So yah, I look forward to these questions more and more as time goes on.
September 24th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I’m foul on marriage right now. If anyone tries to marry me off I will cut them.
At least this week.
September 24th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
I hate those kind of assumptions. We are all on our own path in life, let everyone enjoy being exactly where they are instead of creating pressure to do something else/sooner/better.
September 25th, 2008 at 11:57 am
[...] drunk courtesy of this blog this weekend +new projects and opportunities + I have up a post at Umm…Now What? about fielding uncomfortable questions from family and friends. + and another at Who’s Your [...]
September 25th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
I got it both ways..I grew up in a small town in Texas, so my early twenties were spent fielding the “when are you going to get married”…didn’t help that the hubs and I dated for 6 years before getting around to getting married.
But then, when I was in New York, I had to start fielding the “omg, you’re way to young to get married. You should be single and living it up” camp.
You can’t win for losing…
September 26th, 2008 at 8:45 am
Or how about when you’re married and don’t wear a ring - that’s us! When we got married, people were always like, let me see your ring. I didn’t want to wear a ring and people can’t fathom that.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:22 pm
Where do you live?
I live in LA where it’s not that uncommon so I don’t feel as much pressure and a total outcast. However, I’m from Ohio. My poor mom, when people ask her about her children -ages 29, 32, 33 - she says, “no not married, no grandchildren …” The response she gets, “what is wrong with them?!”. I’m 32, never been married, attractive and have a kick ass personality. Nothing is f%#$*ing wrong with me!! Damn it.
September 28th, 2008 at 12:09 pm
oh god i get that every time i speak to my grandmother.
why don’t you have a boyfriend? what’s wrong with you? don’t you want to get married?