Friends 4eva
Our first ever guest post here on Umm…Now What? is from Michelle Woo.
Check out her blog for more from her! www.michellewoo.com
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In college, I never thought much about friendship. I didn’t have to. It was always there. In this bubble, friends were made easily (well, some I “paid for” — I was in a sorority. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT) and were kept easily. Everyone knew the same people (and therefore could gossip about the same people) and was going through the same experiences (choosing a major, all-nighters at the computer lab, parties decked with red Dixie cups). My closest girlfriends either lived in my same apartment or were a 30-second drive away. (This was SoCal, mind you. We drive everywhere.) Our lives fused as one as we’d spend our days crowding around the new IKEA catalog, squealing throughout The Bachelorette or just chatting on the living room couch, hugging pillows and sipping cheap wine. Whenever one had a mini-meltdown — a breakup, a failed class, a traumatic encounter with the student loan admins — someone was there to listen. There was a sense of ease in knowing every microscopic detail of each others lives, from family drama to exactly what happened on that first date. These were my friends, for always.
And then we graduated.
After college, as navigated by this evil force called the “real world,” everyone sort of dispersed, some to grad school, many back to their hometowns. I moved to a new state for a job and, as predicted, things were tough. I was alone and knew no one. I was also doing the LDR thing, so much of my free time was spent on the phone with the boy. While tending to my quarter life crisis, I let my friends slip. I guess they were letting me slip, too. Soon, it seemed like such a monumental effort to just pick up the phone to say, “Hey, how are you?” Why weren’t they calling me first? Even with my closest girlfriends, the extent of our communication had resorted to flashing IMs saying, “I miss you!!! Catch up soon, K?” I started reevaluating my friendships. Were they only defined by circumstance? Was there really nothing to talk about unless we were bound together by geography and day-to-day occurrences? I made new friends through work, whom I loved, but I felt like I had lost something in the transition. I missed the old days.
I live back in my hometown now, closer to many of my college girlfriends. I think we all realized that that life isn’t ever going to get less chaotic, so we’re making more of a determined effort to meet up more regularly, even if it’s just once a month. Our meet-ups have sort of been reading like a script, a checklist of Stuff Friends Should Talk About. (Career? Check. Love? Check. Family? Check. Random gossip? Check. Funny incidents of the past? Check.) We’re acknowledging this, too, and are actively trying to make new memories through Girl Nights and trips. It’s been good. The lesson here is, like anything in life, friendship takes work.
We probably won’t ever get back to that exact place again. Or will we? As people move on and eventually get married (ugh x 100) and start families, I’m not really crossing my fingers. Still, I can’t help but reminisce upon the days of me, my girls and Trista and Ryan.
September 27th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
I was actually just feeling this very way THIS MORNING before I read this. I had a group of very close knit friends in high school. Inseparable for 6 years. Once college started, it became tougher. Some of us were local, either at the community college or at the university, and one went across the country. My best friend and I were still pretty good about getting together, until she had a start-of-life crisis and decided to quit school and get a horrible graveyard shift job. I never saw her anymore. Then she tried school again, and now she’s back to no school. I try to be there for her, but it’s hard when you are just at different stages in your life and disagree about so much. We love each other, but it has seemed so much more forced the last few times we’ve hung out.
We’re trying to fix it, but the hardest part is that we don’t really have any of the same friends anymore. We used to go to the same church but she left it, and we used to have some school friends, but she’s not in touch with them anymore. I guess the hardest part is that we don’t relate like we used to.
September 27th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
[...] post by Jamie Lovely Friends [...]
September 27th, 2008 at 5:24 pm
So well said Michelle! I can relate to a lot of this. In highschool my friends and I made a pact we would all go to university together. They didn’t go- I did. I remade new friends. The best of friends. I thought my time in school would cement the friendships I would have forever. But then, we (like you!) graduated and threw ourselves all over the map. Even the ones I’m geographically close to sometimes seem very far away. We (like you!) are trying to make more of an effort. I’ve found that weddings help- with everyone getting married there’s always planning and talking to do. Sometimes just having a starting point helps everyone get back and track- and remember, really remember, why you were all friends in the first place.
September 27th, 2008 at 5:54 pm
I like this.
I am totally with you - it’s so hard to make it work. But I’m trying. Post-college (add in newlywed to the equation and it’s even more complicated) letdown has got me.
September 27th, 2008 at 6:37 pm
Great post Michelle! I am right there with you. It is so hard to keep up with high school friends… college friends… study abroad friends, etc etc. It’s A LOT of work. And it doesn’t help that I moved to the other side of the country from everyone I know. It sounds like you are doing a pretty good job of maintaining your friendships though. That is pretty admirable because not everyone has the patience to do it.
September 28th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
It is funny how friends can be the first to fall to the wayside when “real life” hits. I hate how I sometimes find social relationships overwhelming… they should be relaxing, and outside of the category of another demand!
September 30th, 2008 at 12:09 am
There are countless times when I wish I could go back to my senior year of college. It was the best time of my life. I too send those IM’s and facebook comments saying “miss you! lets catch up!” merely hoping to feel that feeling of senior year again. It was magical. Then I graduated and yes… the real world? Not always fun. However, I’m starting to like the new phase. I have a wonderful job, live on my own, and my new coworkers are my newest set of friends. I can’t really complain, but I will forever wish to go back to senior year.
September 30th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Oh, I’m so scared of this after I graduate. I’m a college senior now, and am finally starting to feel totally at home in my group of friends. It’s wonderful, but I’m afraid it will make graduating that much harder. I’m very shy, very introverted, and it takes me forever to make close friends. Oh, and I’m not very good at staying in touch with people.
On the other hand, it could be worse–by this time in my senior year of high school, my closest friendship was already on the rocks, and I think we were both counting the days until college so we could just be done with each other already. So, you know, at least my friends and I are likely to end college still friends. That’s a bonus. haha
But at least other people are feeling this too–good post!
October 13th, 2008 at 12:25 am
[...] is an embarrassingly late announcement, but I wrote about the slow demise of friendship over at the fab quarterlife hub Umm… Now what? Despite what it seems, I don’t think [...]