Friend break-ups
As discussed in the post below, sometimes an unfortunate theme of our twenties is forgetting to put the work into our cherished friendships. However, today, I’m here to talk about the flip side– what to do about friendships that may have passed their prime.
As a general rule, it always seems a little easier to keep friendships going on the back burner. Sure, you may not see each other as often as you used to, but you do send each other a silly Facebook gift every month or so, and maybe speak in vague terms of a catch-up coffee. This somehow seems simpler, and kinder, than the notion of formally putting a lackluster friendship out of its misery. After all, if there are no hard feelings, no tremendous betrayals, why finalize anything?
I found myself questioning these very notions this weekend. To elaborate in sufficiently loose terms, I have this friend (how many bad stories start out this way?). Let’s call her Carol. We’ve know each other around 12 years now, and were quite close in high school. After high school, we moved to different cities, and kept in intermittent touch. Around four years ago, I moved to my current city of residence, where Carol was living, and we attempted to kick-start our friendship again.
The problem? I didn’t especially like being around her anymore.
At first, I just thought it was an awkwardness, as Carol had been doing through a period of dramatic self-discover, and appeared to be, for a lack of a better word, more egotistical as a result. I tried to be persistent, with years of friendship anchoring me to her. But each time I saw her, it got worse. Somehow, in the four years we’d been apart, her social skills seem to have evaporated. She talked at me, not to me, forgot to ask me about myself, and interrupted me whenever I began speaking. Misunderstandings began to accumulate. Even my mother, who’d always had a special spot for her, spoke of the lack of reciprocity and her inability to end the interaction when Carol dropped by for a visit.
I began screening her calls, returning them only after a series of deep breaths. However, I still found myself drawn into coffee every six months or so, hoping that, mysteriously, the old Carol had returned. Each time, I returned home, disappointed.
Saturday night, I went to a birthday party, to which Carol showed up. At first, everyone was smiles and hugs, having not seen her in some time. Gradually, however, she alienated every one in the room, by cornering them, invading their personal bubble, getting very touchy-feely and jumping straight into the most personal of topics, without a breath of pause or a reciprocal question. And this was before she got drunk.
I hate the fact that last night, I resorted to avoiding eye contact with a former close friend. And now I’m left wondering whether it is worth salvaging. Part of me says that friendship should be through thick and thin, but the other part of me wonders why I insist on maintaining something I’m not enjoying. I wonder if I should take her out to coffee and express my misgivings, to give her the chance to explain, contextualize, change, anything, or if drifting away is the better option.
What do you do when an old friendship seems to have been sapped dry?
September 29th, 2008 at 7:16 am
I have about 3 friendships that sound just like that. To me it’s a question of looking at how I feel. I’ll know if they’re worth saving. The ones that aren’t, I back off. The least I can do is save some effort for the friendships that are worth it.
September 29th, 2008 at 8:05 am
I’ve never done this, but I do have a friend that “broke up” with a friend who she didn’t like anymore. Pretty much exactly like breaking up with a boyfriend. She sat down with her and said she didn’t like who the girl had become and that she didn’t want to associate with her anymore. So I guess it’s possible.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:03 am
I had a friend that I was very close with for a while. But then she kept sapping my energy and sympathies by always complaining about the same problems, over and over, without doing anything to change things. It got to a point where whenever we were together, it was simply about her complaining about how things in her life were going so poorly, and her her her, never any conversations about me. She couldn’t be there for me when I needed support, but always expected me to be there for her. So I’d start to screen her calls, block her when I was online, and came up with excuses not to see her when she did get a hold of me. I would do this more and more, telling myself that I’d stop once I felt better about her after this self-imposed break. But then all the tip-toeing around her became too much of a hassle to manage. I told myself that there just comes a point in some friendships where it becomes toxic and it’s best to extricate yourself from it as quickly as possible. I went about it the wrong way, but just severing all ties suddenly and without explanation, but sometimes there’s no other way.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:12 am
I have had a friend breakup and its tough. My friend and I were best friends from the time were were 5 or 6. But then we grew up went to college, tried staying in touch and then it became harder. Going out for coffee was torture, birthday dinners was like something we HAD to do not what we wanted to do because we’d always done them. Eventually we just stopped talking, stopped emailing, stopped calling. When we see wach other now, we say hi catch up in a few sentances and go on.
September 29th, 2008 at 9:13 am
Here’s my thing. If I can put into words what they’ve done or not done *within the relationship* (interrupting, not showing concern for me, etc.), then I will probably confront and try to salvage something. If it’s more about who she’s become overall, then I would fade away into the sunset. I just can’t see sitting someone down and saying “I don’t like who you’ve become”, unless it’s about a drug habit or an eating disorder, etc. If she’s grown more (over) confident and self centered, there isn’t much either of you can do about that………..
September 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
I had to stop being around a friend of mine because she had a drug problem. I didn’t want to be around drugs, and I especially didn’t want to be around HER while she was ON drugs, so I just quit answering her calls. It seems harsh now but at the time, that’s the only way I could avoid her. I couldn’t bring myself to say, “I really think you need to stop doing drugs.” I probably should have done that, but I just didn’t know how. It was hard. Now, she still does drugs ON OCCASION, but never when I’m around, and we’ve somewhat salvaged our friendship. She realized what was going on in her life and she took steps to improve the situation.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:12 pm
This is such a timely subject for me. Every time I go home to visit I make sure to see old friends. These are the people who, I always thought, would be a part of my life forever. And now, I have to deal with the reality of friendships — sometimes, they just go…stale. And being the overly nostalgic person that I am, it’s increasingly difficult to just let go. Yet we have to. Otherwise, we’re banging our own heads against the same wall over and over.
September 29th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I have had friends like that. I think it is best to just let the friendship fade. You don’t need to tell her that you just don’t feel like you guys click anymore… she probably already knows that. You don’t have to suddenly give her the cold shoulder, but slowly just let things go…
September 29th, 2008 at 2:29 pm
I recently broke up with my friend of 22 years (we’ve been friends since 1st grade). She had changed and I didn’t need the negativity in my life. I miss her (I’m still friends with her sister) but I deleted her out of my phone so I’m not tempted to see if the “old her” still exists.
So yes, I totally relate to this.
September 29th, 2008 at 4:58 pm
i’m going through this right now. hanging out seems forced and is no longer enjoyable. she talks at me (one of my biggest pet peeves) and never asks how i am or how my job is. i’m kind of just avoiding one-on-one time and trying to not burn and bridges.
September 29th, 2008 at 5:44 pm
I experienced a very painful friendship breakup this year - it was actually more like 10 at once, because a bunch of my friends stopped speaking to me because they didn’t like a guy I was dating. No one ever really told me what was wrong - just kind of zapped all communication.
In my experience the best friendships evolve over time - some of my closest friends are those I’ve known the longest, but not necessarily the crowd that I hang out with regularly. I believe that there are places in our lives for all different types of friendships and that not all fit into one mold, not all are created equal.
September 29th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
sometimes friend break ups can be worse that lover relationships.
yes, i said loooover. haha
September 29th, 2008 at 9:12 pm
I’ve had a couple of friend break ups that were really painful but in some ways, the “back burner” friendships are even harder to deal with because there’s this gray area but no real definition of the relationship. I tend to stop returning calls and e-mails and just kind of let things go.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:04 am
I feel like i can see both sides… I think on one hand, I’ve been that “me me me” friend, but on the other hand- I’ve been on the side where it was too much work to be in the friendship because of how the friend made me feel. (*same friendship- one specific situation). Firstly, I am one of those people who have finally reached the point where I’m ok with just dropping people from my life. But the friendship much similar to what you describe…. I tried and tried and tried to make it work. It just didn’t. So…if you feel you’re working too hard and not getting anything out of it- it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been friends, things have changed and it’s ok to let go.
September 30th, 2008 at 12:35 am
I too have friends that I’m clutching onto for the sake of history and nostalgia. One in particular whom I envisioned would be one of my bridesmaids one day. It’s been a slow fade and I keep telling myself that we’ll fix things eventually. Sad, really.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:32 am
That’s sad. I of course am uber-familiar with your tale, being a loyal blog reader (::gulp:: yes, I may be considered such once more, even after a long exile) of yours. Changing names does not fool me! Not that I know the real “Carol”.
I think you should talk to her about it one day. If you do so, that will be the equivalent of “growing a pair”, as you say your man is fond of telling you. From there you can resume the 6 month coffee, or you can let it slide into the past. The ball, so to speak, will be in her court.
I hate trite cliches, but it’s the truth. She needs to decide and act upon her decision if she values the friendship, because anyone who knows you knows that you have tried your share, her share and even a third party’s share in attempting to save the friendship.
It’s all good, you get the smiley face medal.
You tried and I bet you will probably keep trying longer than needed or expected.
But that’s ’cause you are who you are.
And that’s why we likes ya!
September 30th, 2008 at 4:01 am
Being maybe a bit old for this blog, i still feel a need to comment. Over the years i have lost lots of friend (or have they lost me), both on my own or as a couple, and for the most part it is down to changes in their or my life, kids are a big deal breaker as is siding with my best friend after he ran off with my fiancée. But at the same time new people come around to fill the gaps. Over all i feel the new ones out weight the old although i still miss some of them.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Just in the fact of posting this, I am sure you know the friendship has run its course. I think we all get to this place sometimes with the people in our lives. I am sure you have changed as well from the person she once knew. Being good friends in high school doesn’t mean that she is the kind of friend you need or want now as an adult. I agree that a break up is called for. Can you think how you would handle this if she was a guy that you once had a great past with but now were embarrassed to be around, had little in common with, and returned the calls of begrudgingly? You’d end the relationship ((I hope!)). Only once did I actually sit someone down and say I can’t hang out & be friends with you anymore because of this-this-and this. That was mostly because I was worried about her behavior when drinking and sure we would continue to see each other at other mutual events. Most of my friend-breakups have resulted in not seeing or talking to the person any longer and having a slow fizzle.
September 30th, 2008 at 2:46 pm
i think this is a natural thing that sometimes happens with friendships. like i wrote about in a recent post… sometimes different friendships just serve different purposes. they don’t always have to last for… forever, and that doesn’t mean that they weren’t valuable and meaningful and doesn’t make them matter any less.
i think in this situation, like some others said, if it’s not something you feel up to addressing with her, aren’t really interested in trying to “fix” it because there’s not a black and white here to fix, then i would just let it take it’s course. you never know what will happen in the future…
October 2nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
This does sound like a curable problem, but the question is, do you have the time/energy to cure it?
I think its fundamentally difficult to stay friends with someone who’s from so far back into your past. People change a lot during this phase of their life. So, don’t beat yourself up on it. You changed and she changed.