What I found when I went looking
Truthfully, I sometimes forget he even has a blog, which is strange since his was one of the first blogs I read. In fact, hearing he had a blog was part of the reason I started my own. At first I laughed at the idea of him having a blog, telling friends “of COURSE he has a blog, he needs another person to complain to about the miseries of his life!”and then within days of hearing of his, I started my own. Of course. Because that’s the way the world works- as soon as you mock your ex boyfriend for something, you will realize that you want to follow in his footsteps. We both had enjoyed writing and I wasn’t going to let him take over the idea of using a blog as an outlet to write. I would start one too! And mine would be better!
(And yes, I realize that paragraph is littered with unhealthy sentiments but my heart had been broken and sanity was the furthest thing from my mind.)
And then time went by. I met new people, life moved on and the hurting stopped. I forgot what his kiss tasted like, I lost his love letters, I saw guys in cool sneakers reading obscure magazines and didn’t automatically think of him.
Today in a fit of curiosity (that reminded me of my need to smell sour milk in the carton even when I know it’s past it’s due date), I visited his blog. A blog I know he doesn’t update often, but that he takes very seriously. A blog that’s crammed with obscure band reviews and quotes from Slovakian poets. I had prepared myself to fall back into the familiar comfort that I embrace when reading the work of writers I know. Writers who I’ve talked with, who’s voice I can hear through the words that they’ve typed. I prepared myself to miss him.
Instead? I laughed my ass off.
Oh dear readers, it was a mess. A self absorbed mess. My friends had always claimed he was into himself more than any healthy individual should be and I had always defended him. But with clear eyes and no attachments to the past, I could look at his writing honestly and just giggled.
He ranted about movies everyone has liked, about days everyone (but him) enjoyed. He complained about the weather, his favorite sports team, his neighbors lawn. He boasted about how smart he was, how thoughtful he could be, how everyone around him lacks the manners he so easily possesses. He ridiculed anything mainstream (books, music, art, general opinion on anything that would require an opinion) and opted to present himself as a struggling artist who no one understands. He fluctuated between sounding angry and pretentious, neither of which suited him well.
Maybe it’s not right to say it, but I was almost overwhelmed with relief that I wasn’t a part of his life anymore. We talk about how people change over time and maybe he has. Maybe he’s different from the person he used to be. Or maybe, I’m just seeing him as the person I refused to admit he always was. Either way, I’m glad I stopped to smell the sour milk. It reminded me of how lucky I am not to have it in my life anymore.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:37 am
Oh darn. I was really hoping for a link to his blog so I could read the self-absorption for myself.
Lol.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:39 am
Jordyn- You know… I THOUGHT about doing that, but it seemed unfair unless I warned him. And I couldn’t quite figure out how to say ‘hey, I’m going to write this post where I talk about how relieved I am I’m not dating you after just reading your latest entry, is that cool?’, without sounding like a jerk, so sadly, I can’t link to it. But know that I wanted to!
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:01 am
Haha. I was going to request a link too. We need proof!
I love that moment after a break-up, oftentimes waaaaaaay after a breakup, when that big question finally hits you: WHAT WAS I THINKING?
Glad you got to revel in the guy’s patheticness. My exes have nothing juicy on the internet. Believe me, I’ve looked.
October 2nd, 2008 at 2:05 am
i wish my ex had a blog. except it would be all of the same crap that you just said.
so maybe i don’t.
but it’s nice to know that i’m not the only one who went for the struggling artists living under the perennial raincloud.
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:55 am
Ha, I can idenitfy with this. Not so much because of the website stuff - I stopped looking at that and his myspace four months ago now. But because he turned to me for comfort after he was dumped by my replacement. And the horrible things he said about her (despite me thinking all the same things myself when I first realised they were going out) made me wonder what he had said about me to her, and that perhaps I’d had a lucky escape…
October 2nd, 2008 at 8:57 am
I’m happy for you and although I don’t know the feeling of checking an exs-blog… I’ve def. reoccuringly went back to facebook pages, myspace, away messages, etc. and it is a great feeling when you eventually got to the point in time that you forgot it existed and were just going about your normal life.
And then to remember and go back and have the reaction you did? Priceles.
Rock on!
October 2nd, 2008 at 9:48 am
What a tease you are Miss Brandy! I was dying for a link…
I can’t forget the day that I looked at my ex’s myspace and was laughing instead of crying. When you are dating someone, you see them in such a different light. It’s so nice when you can take off the blinders and see them for who they really are.
I love that you feel better about the situation.
October 2nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
that must have felt good. poor guy. i surmise he’s gone to hell in a handbasket (yup, im now 63) since you are no longer a part of his life.
October 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 am
Brilliant post, my dear. It is nice to know that the morbid curiosity serves to our advantage sometimes.
Facebook is like that for me. It reminds me how painfully average some of the biggest heartbreakers of my life are, and that my ex-boyfriend uses text speak to communicate.
October 2nd, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Michelle Woo- Sorry for not linking lady! Hopefully my description of his awfulness can be proof enough! As for not having any juicy ex boyfriend stuff on the net, I’m sorry. It really is fun to look at and read. Fingers crossed they all start blogs!
Tia- Oh yes… the struggling artist. It just makes me giggle now because I always thought he was so noble. Even though, you know his parents helped pay his rent and he bought second hand clothes not because he couldn’t afford new stuff but because he thought it gave him more credibility as an artist.
Paula- Lucky to escape… yep that sounds about right. Oh these poor guys, it’s starting to sound like we avoided prison terms!
Katie B- I know, right?! It definitely makes me giggle. Thankfully time allows people to forget about what they once loved.
Sara Jane- Aww sorry lady! And yes, I think you said it perfectly with the word ‘blinders’. that’s definitely what happened…
Brookem- I like to think that too, but I’m pretty sure he’s happy. And you know what? I hope he is. Whoa. I feel so.. adult saying that!
Princess Pointful- Text speak to communicate? Definitely a bad sign. Glad you’ve moved onwards and upwards!
October 2nd, 2008 at 3:50 pm
This is going to sound stalkerish, but I WISH my ex had a blog.
When we first started dating he was so open and I felt like I completely understood him. Over the years that we dated he kind of closed up. The problem is my heart still feels like it ended with someone really cool, but my mind knows he changed SO much over the time we started dating. I wish he had a blog so I could remind myself what a jerk he has turned into.
October 2nd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
I admit it, I am a huge internet stalker. I will occasionally Google my exes (or search MySpace, Facebook, whatever) just to see if I can find anything. Before everyone got smart and made their MySpaces private, I found some stuff and it made me feel GREAT.