The D Word
Hi, I’m Belle, and I had a marriage end in divorce.
(Hi, Belle!)
There is a lot of 20-something talk about relationships; lots of blogs about dating or weddings. However, there doesn’t seem to be a lot of talk about The Big D. Let’s face it though, it happens. Some estimates say about 40% of marriages will end in divorce. Please keep in mind that this is a highly debated statistic, so it’s not carved in stone or anything, but there is a chance that you or someone you know will go through a divorce. The median age for first divorces is 29 for women and 30 for men, so there is also a chance that the divorce happens at 20-something. Now that I’ve thrown those stats out, I want you to forget them. Because this post isn’t about statistics. Divorce isn’t about statistics, it’s about people and emotions. It’s personal and it’s painful, regardless of the details or how easy it seems to be. You know how people will tell you to rip a Band-Aid off quickly, because it will hurt less; but it still hurts whether you tear it off quickly or slowly? Divorce is like that. Imagine ripping part of your life away, tearing away your plans and visions of the future. Fast or slow, that’s going to hurt.
When I was getting divorced, it was a great comfort to hear other people’s stories. It helped me feel less alone in a time when the world as I knew it was crumbling. So, I want to tell mine and hopefully help someone else feel less alone.
I met my first husband (henceforth referred to as “FH”) when I was 22. I was actually dating someone else, but that relationship was a fun, disposable relationship that was on the outs anyway. The guy had just graduated and was moving away, and neither of us was very interested in doing the long distance thing. I got a job working at my college and met FH. I don’t know what it was about him, but things got really serious, really quickly. He had plans to go to law school, so a move was in his future — and I still wasn’t interested in a long distance relationship — but for a different reason this time. I wanted to be with him, wherever he went.
We got engaged after dating only a few months, and this really didn’t seem unusual to me. My parents had known each other about six months before they married, and they had been together for over 30 years. In my own little world, divorces didn’t happen. Problems could be worked out.
My FH was an insecure person, and I recognize now that I knew that even before we were married. I naively thought that it would get better after we were married, but it got worse. He was an incredibly jealous, manipulative, and controlling person. He regularly read my email, went through my phone, and would call me multiple times if I ever left the house, usually leaving messages that got more and more angry each time I didn’t answer. I distinctly remember walking through the kitchen once, going out to the garage, and glancing at the calendar hanging on the refrigerator. The calendar was marked, counting every day since we last had sex. Seriously, nothing like a reminder of your wifely duties on your kitchen calendar. While he never physically hurt me, his demeanor and temper issues did cause me to fear for my safety sometimes. He would do things like punch the heavy bag bare handed until his knuckles bled, or put his hand through the garage wall, so I couldn’t help but wonder if my head was next in line.
This is where things started to get really confusing to me. My gut said I was miserable and didn’t want to be in the same house as him, that I was afraid of him. But, my head said that I shouldn’t just run away and abandon my marriage. My head kept replaying my vows and thinking that I had to make a better attempt to make it work. I thought about what my family would say, what my friends would say, and I thought about those ugly statistics and how I did not want to be one of them. Plus, things weren’t bad all the time, so I thought that they could surely be fixed. What I didn’t want to see was that I was becoming more and more compliant in an attempt to fix it.
Unfortunately, the one thing that gave me the resolve to leave my relationship, was the thing that FH worried about most: I met someone else. A very attractive and intelligent man that helped me realize what was missing in my marriage, and reminded me that I was worthy of so much more than I was getting. I’m not proud of how things happened, and I’m sure many people would tell me that I should have ended things with FH before it ever got to the point of me wanting someone else. But, I can’t ignore or deny his involvement in my decision, so I’m just putting it all out there. Things never worked out for us relationship-wise, so I think his purpose in my life was to open my eyes to the reality of my marriage and give me the strength to leave.
As someone that’s been through it, my advice to anyone contemplating divorce is to listen to your gut. A friend said to me “Belle, my mom was 38 when she died. You never know what’s going to happen, how much of that time do you want to spend miserable?” That really put things in terms I could understand. You are the only one that knows what is right or wrong for you, so don’t let all the advice and statistics get in the way. And please, do not look at divorce as failure. I hate the term failed marriage. Living your life in a way that makes you happy is not failing.
There’s a strong possibility that you will not ever get completely over that marriage (as you can probably gather from this long, soul-baring post). Underneath the Band-Aid you just ripped off is a scar that never completely goes away, and that’s OK. It will fade away to where it is hardly noticeable, but don’t be concerned if it is still there, and remember everyone heals differently.
October 4th, 2008 at 1:11 pm
wow Belle, what a powerful story. Thanks for sharing, and good for you for learning what you need in life.
October 4th, 2008 at 1:42 pm
Thank you Belle for sharing your powerful story… when you wrote: “You are the only one that knows what is right or wrong for you, so don’t let all the advice and statistics get in the way. And please, do not look at divorce as failure. I hate the term failed marriage. Living your life in a way that makes you happy is not failing” it really resonated with me. I ended my physically, mentally, and sexually abusive marriage in 2006 at 24 years old. It is the hardest and healthiest thing I have ever done. I stand and applaud you for taking the steps towards happiness.
October 4th, 2008 at 1:54 pm
Fantastic and very insightful post.
It is funny how we seem to be a generation that looks at most things realistically– except divorce. We don’t apply those statistics to us personally. We assume we have the magic skills no one does.
I know I felt like a bit of a failure when I was thinking of leaving someone I thought I was going to marry. I can only imagine it is infinitely harder with that ring as a reminder.
October 4th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Thanks for putting your heart and story out there for all of us! Life is too short to not be happy. We need to be reminded of this more often.
October 4th, 2008 at 4:11 pm
I had a boyfriend once who would count the days since we last had sex . . . he didn’t go so far as to put it on a calendar, but I remember getting nervous when it would get to the one week mark since we’d last had sex, because I knew he’d start getting angry if I didn’t give him any. I shudder when I think of all the time I wasted with him.
October 4th, 2008 at 9:13 pm
starter marriages are the new black, my dear.
no shame being in this club. =) and yes, it’s always nice to hear that someone else my age went through it. know exactly what you mean.
October 5th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
loved this post; thank you for sharing your thoughts, i’m sure it must have been emotional to do so.
as someone who is about to embark on marriage, there are times when i find myself a little scared of what may lay ahead as i share my life completely with another person. usually these fears are put to rest quickly - and usually by his presence. i feel extremely lucky, and i hope i always stay true to myself as you have learned to do.
October 5th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Thanks for sharing, I am going through this right now, but could not be happier that I am getting out. The worst thing is when my ex would count the days since we had sex, it really ruins everything and who would be in the mood after that! I have a wonderful boyfriend now who I love and adore. My life is wonderful and I am so happy I didn’t stay with him.
October 5th, 2008 at 9:54 pm
I think what you did was a bold and corageous thing! It seems that we often forget about doing what is best for us due to what we believe is right for the other person in a relationship. You did what was right for you, no matter what, and I think that’s admirable. Good for you–more women should read this post!
October 6th, 2008 at 11:44 am
thanks for sharing. i absolutely loved the post, and hearing your story.
a lot of the time, it takes a stronger person to walk away from something bad, than to stay in it.
October 6th, 2008 at 11:52 am
I’ve never been married but suddenly divorce is all around, and I’m having a hard time dealing with friends’ separations. I don’t know how I’d do if I had one of my own. Thanks for sharing the story… it helps us look ahead :o)
October 6th, 2008 at 11:53 am
Thank you so much for putting that out there. It really is amazing how much better off you tend to be - despite having to go through the trauma - and I think that is true of a lot of things in life.
October 6th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
This is such a powerful post. Thank you for sharing your story. As someone has been there (and yes, I do mean all of it - and more); it was so nice to read these words that could have been my own, and know that someone truly understands.
October 7th, 2008 at 9:49 am
Amazing story - there are so many more people out there who will do damage to us than who will do good for us, very clear reminder. I’m glad you stood up and walked out, no matter what the catalyst was.
October 8th, 2008 at 9:59 am
This is a great post. You are right - there are a lot of people in our age group who have been through a divorce sadly. Your marriage sounds a lot like my first engagement. Jealous, controlling, made me feel like shit, very verbally abusive. Luckily I broke it off about 5 months before the wedding and I thank God every day that I did it. Good for you for being smart enough to get out of it - life IS too short!
October 20th, 2008 at 2:05 pm
This rings so true with me…I left the X after only a year of being married, with strikingly similar domestic issues. Thank you for sharing this, it makes all of us a little stronger.
xox
October 23rd, 2008 at 5:09 am
easy cheap divorce…
It’s cruel what I’ve done to my husband. Though, in my defense, I can honestly say I didn’t set out to trick him into marriage. It just kind of, er, happened. I mean people age. Responsibilities pile up. I can’t very well be doing that morning, noo…
January 13th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Listen to your gut…
Maybe that’s why I’m still in my marriage despite everything…