The dilemma of names
As with most of us, I went to several weddings this past summer, varying from more traditional Chinese to casual Western, cupcakes to multiple tiered cakes, ornate white gowns to less conventional coloured ones.
What also varied was across marriages– the brides’ decisions regarding their last name. In fact, of three brides, one each chose to take her husband’s name, hyphenated her’s and her husband’s last name, and to keep her last name.
I find such decisions interesting, not necessarily because they are ones I am needing to make anytime soon, but rather because there is valid and understandable reasons behind each one. I’ve watched a few friends struggle between the wants of each side of the family, their own beliefs, and even the sheer auditory aesthetics of certain combinations of names.
Rather than laying out the arguments for each side, I’m interested in what you have to say. If you are married, what decision was made regarding last names? If you are not married, women, do you plan to take your husband’s last name? Men, do you want your wife to take your last name? Why or why not? And is this even an issue for same sex marriages?
October 13th, 2008 at 2:37 am
I have ‘done’ the marriage thing and changed my name… and immediately changed it back when we separated. If I were to ever marry again I would not change it, and my name is too long to hyphenate with anything… it is just a personal choice. My name represents who I am…
October 13th, 2008 at 3:40 am
I’m not yet married, but I am planning on changing it when I do. Maybe it’s a bad thing, but my last name doesn’t really define me and people always pronounce and spell it wrong anyway, so I’m looking forward to changing it to my fiance’s name which is a lot more common and actually flows better with my first name.
October 13th, 2008 at 8:50 am
For me, changing my name has more to do with having children than anything else. It doesn’t sit well with me for my kids and I to not share the same last name.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:11 am
I have no plans to marry anytime soon, but if I do, I plan on keeping my own last name. Its just me and represents who I am.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:23 am
I’m married, and kept my last name. My husband really didn’t care what I chose, and when he found out how much of a hassle the name change would be, he fell on the “don’t do it!!!” side of things
My reasons for not changing were: 1. I already have degrees and publications with this last name, so changing would have been confusing, and 2. His last name is very ethnic, of an ethnicity that I am not a part of, and I was wary of taking that last name professionally, seeing my patients, and having a huge misunderstanding that yes, I was the doctor, not the nurse or some other random person… and finally, 3. I like my last name, I love my family, and I wanted to keep that symbolic connection for myself.
Now, when it comes to children… They will take his last name, we will not hyphenate, and I plan on being known colloquially as Mrs. HisLastName for their school, friends, etc.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:27 am
I hate my last name and although I don’t have a date in sight, I can’t wait to get married and change it.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:45 am
I changed mine. I’ve never been attached to my family name and the new one was easier to spell and say. And I liked it.
Some of my friends had issues though. One didn’t want to change hers, but her fiancee was quite upset, so she ended up changing it. Another waffled about changing it for a long time and then eventually decided to do it.
October 13th, 2008 at 9:57 am
I changed my name. I can’t say that I had a huge reason as to why…it just felt right for me. I did, however, take my maiden name as my middle name and I’m very glad that I did that. Now my full name represents the past and present “me.”
My step-brother and his wife both changed their last names. They gave themselves a completely new last name that in no way related to either of their family names. Since they were starting a new family, they wanted a new name. It’s an understatement to say that people were pissed.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:26 am
My wife did not change her last name when we got married last October, and I supported that fully. She wanted to keep the connection to her father, who died when she was young, among other reasons. The only hitch has been that my family, no matter how many times they’re told, send things to Mr. and Mrs. MYLASTNAME, which irritates her no end.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I will keep or hyphenate. My last name has a lot of meaning for me, and I like my middle name too much to give it up. Potential kids will likely have my maiden name as a middle name.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:44 am
I most definitely will take my husband’s name when I get married. Unless his last name rhymes with my first name. That would not be too cool.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:03 am
Keeping my name. If he hell bend on us having the same name he can feel free to take mine..
October 13th, 2008 at 11:04 am
When (and if) I get married, I plan on taking my husband’s last name. Hopefully, since my first name is kind of long, my new last name will be just as short as my current one.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I changed my last name to his. I had no attatchment to my last name other than obviously it being my family name, and it felt like something I wanted to do always. I liked being called Mrs. “X” once I was married. It made me all giddy for awhile afterwards.
October 13th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I’m not married, but when that day comes- I completely plan on taking on his last name. For one- I’m not too thrilled about my current last name, plus if you get married and don’t take on his last name- what’s the point of getting married? (besides the obvious rights if the person dies or something tragic like that)
October 13th, 2008 at 11:40 am
As the first man to comment on this post - The name issue is completely immaterial to me! Completely her choice. I wouldn’t even meddle in it.
October 13th, 2008 at 12:08 pm
I am going to take his last name. My family and I don’t have the greatest ties and I have really never felt more a part of a family then I do with his. I’ve thought about keeping my maiden name in there but I don’t really care about it that much. My son already has his father’s name and I’d like it to be the same.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:25 pm
I changed mine for a few reasons: 1)the kids issue, 2)due to the way my parents divorce played out, I have no real connection to my maiden name and 3)I like his last name.
October 13th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
i have decided i will be keeping my last name should i ever get married. i could possibly be talked into hyphenation. but i want to vomit at the idea of being referred to as mrs. john doe.
the ex and i argued about this regularly and still do. he wants his wife to have his last name and therefore his wife will not be me.
October 13th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Though I’m nowhere near marriage yet, the dilemma of what to do about a last name is one I’ve thought of a lot. And I think if it’s possible I’d make my maiden name a second middle name… I’d have four names but that’s kinda okay with me. I feel too strong a connection to my “maiden” name to think of giving it up but I would want to have the same last name as my husband. So yeah.
October 13th, 2008 at 4:09 pm
I will definitely change my last name to my husband’s when I get married. For me, it’s part of the whole “two become one” part of marriage. I’m very traditional in this sense. I also think that it’ll be easier if we both have the same last name.. it won’t cause any confusion for other people.
October 13th, 2008 at 5:23 pm
I’ve given it some thought and after reading the other comments, I’m pretty sure, although I don’t like my last name and although it’s probably more a liability than it is an asset due its ethnic connotation (though, don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of it), I don’t think I’d want to “give it up” but instead add onto it… therefore I would probably hyphenate or keep it as a second middle name. It only makes sense, no one takes offense, and you’re not surrendering anything, as many of the other comments suggest.
October 13th, 2008 at 6:31 pm
I’m divided. On the one hand, my last name is kind of quirky, and while it’s short, it’s difficult to spell and pronounce. (it’s French.) My boyfriend (who will probably be my fiance soon) has a short, easily pronounceable last name that sounds fine with my first name. It’s tempting to switch, and I have no objections to the idea of taking my husband’s last name.
On the other hand, I like my last name, and would love to keep it around somehow. I don’t like hyphenating, so maybe make it my middle name, since I’ve never been too fond of my current middle name. On the other other hand, my middle name is after my deceased paternal grandmother, and, well, it would feel sort of wrong booting her out of the picture.
So I don’t know. One thing I DO know, however, is that I will raise a stink about being referred to as Mrs. John Doe. I may take my husband’s last name, but I’m not taking his first name, so please, people, address your damn letters to Mrs. Claire Doe. (I inherited this pet peeve from my mother.)
October 13th, 2008 at 6:44 pm
My husband and I were married a year ago and I kept my own last name. I did it to take a stand for feminism and all that jazz — why should a woman have to change her last name and not the man? When we have kids their last names will be hyphenated. So glad I chose a man who supports my decisions!
October 14th, 2008 at 12:05 am
I am not that attached to my last name so I would at least consider changing it unless I were already published under my maiden name. My mom kept her name and it’s made her professional life much easier because her name has remained the same but it makes some things harder because she doesn’t have the same last name as me and my brother.
October 14th, 2008 at 12:07 am
I actually think about this quite a bit, though I’m not getting married anytime soon. If you haven’t noticed, I’m kind of obsessed with my name. My boyfriend and I have had this conversation before and he said it’s really important to his family that his future wife take his name, and for some reason, I know that this is not something I would ultimately fight. I would definitely keep Michelle Woo for all work purposes because I’m a writer and have worked too damn hard to get my byline out there. I’m also keeping michellewoo.com. Because I said so.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:00 am
I’m definitely taking my future husband’s name. Definitely.
October 14th, 2008 at 1:24 pm
I was married August 30 of this year and chose to take my husband’s name. It’s a really stinkin’ good name. I couldn’t refuse. But, it’s important to note that it is his stepfather’s name. He changed his last name on his 18th birthday to honor his stepfather, since for all intents and purposes, he was the father figure in my husband’s life. Had he not changed his name on his 18th birthday to this wonderful name he shared with me, I don’t know that I would have changed. His old name was much less desirable. So, I guess you can say aesthetics played a big role in my decision.
October 14th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
i’ll hold down the same-sex fort in this issue.
i know a few people who have married their significant, same-sex other, and about 75% of them don’t change their last name. i suppose this has to do with the fact that clearly same-sex marriage isn’t exactly.. conservative, so why be all conservative with the changing of the last name?
as for me, i love my girlfriend’s last name WAY more than my own, but i’m not sure what i’ll do when it comes time to make the big decision.. i may be a brand of syrup forever..
October 14th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
I will not change my last name. It is my **name** and for me that had always represented a lot. If my husband cares more about us having the same name than his own, he can change his. My sister changed her last name and while she loves her husband, she regrets it. I have several friends who made a new last name for themselves after the I-do’s.
October 14th, 2008 at 6:23 pm
I kept my middle name, but changed my last name to take my husband’s. I think women who staunchly keep their name are cool. But for me personally, I was honored and excited to be affiliated to my husband. And I figured that my individuality as a woman can come from more than simply my last name.
I have a few couple friends who hyphenated both last names into a combo name. I think that’s a neat way to go too. But to each her own!
October 14th, 2008 at 9:19 pm
I took my husband’s last name, about 6 months after we were married. My maiden name is a tough one, so it’s kind of nice to have a simple name. And, people assumed that I had the same name since we were married - especially when we were buying a house, no one could remember I went by MY name and kept putting it on the offer papers incorrectly. My “official” papers now have first middle maiden married.
October 15th, 2008 at 7:07 am
I got married last January and kept my name. It’s unique and so very me and if I didn’t have it, I would feel like I was losing a big part of myself. My husband wasn’t too thrilled with the idea, but he got over. Also, I don’t want to completely lose my identity and end up as a side note on a wedding invitation as only “Mrs.”
October 15th, 2008 at 10:15 am
I’m getting married next year. My fiance is currently undecided, I think, between keeping her own surname and hyphenating both of ours. To be honest, I wouldn’t like to lose my own surname, so I have no ill feelings about her decision. I know part of her decision comes from the fact that it seems unlikely that her brother will ever get married (sadly), so she would like to make sure that her family surname doesn’t end with her generation. I think this is a marvelous thing.
October 16th, 2008 at 12:00 am
I’m not for or against keeping your last name, taking his last name, or any combination of the two. I think it is entirely up to the couple as to what is going to work best for them.
Personally, the last name thing was not something that I even took a second to think about. It was a very natural progression of things to take his last name. I didn’t struggle with that choice. I wanted to take his last name. And, I lost nothing of myself in doing so. Actually, I’m even more memorable now then before since my last name is fairly unusual.
I had no real attachment to my Father’s last name, anyway. Now, my Mom’s maiden name DOES mean something to me..but that was not my maiden name..so it was an easy choice to make.
October 17th, 2008 at 2:48 pm
I just got married, and for me it was a no-brainer to change my name to the same as Mister’s. I love the kid, his last name is snazzy, I’m early enough along in my professional life that it wouldn’t be a big deal, and my last name holds a lot of family baggage for me.
It’s definitely an issue for same-sex marriages – any issues facing straight married couples are faced by same sex couples and then some. Many of my close friends are GLBT and when one of my friends and her partner were married, they did one of the coolest things ever – they looked back in their family histories and found a name that had history that they both liked and took that!
Coolest thing ever! I totally wanted to do that, but my family was right off the boat from the Ukraine and the last names are beautiful but have WAY too many consonants. And Mister’s family are Americans since there were Americans, so his last name is as cool as it gets.
May 27th, 2009 at 6:07 pm
I know it can be time-consuming to update your blog but thank you for keeping me informed and entertained!