Unplanned
(This guest post was sent in anonymously. If you would like to guest post, please send your post to ummnowwhatblogATgmailDOTcom)
I unwrapped the second pregnancy test from its crisp wrapper. A mere precaution. The first one had come back negative the week before but my period had yet to appear, so I thought I’d cross my t’s and dot my i’s, so to speak. The butterflies had vanished. It was different from the first time that was characterized by tears and anxiety. This time I was relaxed, just playing it safe. Sort of like going back to check if you turned off the curling iron even though you know full well you did. I expected my period to be just around the corner.
There was no way I was pregnant. Not possible. I was responsible. I was the cookie cutter high school student, athletic, smart, popular. I went to an elite college. I was graduating in a few months. This stuff just did not happen to me. It happens to other people. Girls that are irresponsible. Girls that go to community college and dye their hair an ungodly blonde.
Not me.
I had been on birth control since I was 18. It was impossible that I would get pregnant the one month I went off because I didn’t fill my prescription in time. I mean, one month in 4 years. The odds. And I had done the math, the condom broke a week too early for my eggs to be leaving their humble ovary home.
There was just no way.
And then it happened. I held the small stick in my hand and the blue positive sign slowly came into view. I shook it in hopes that it would disappear. This had to be some sort of dream.
It only became clearer.
I’ve never panicked like I did in that moment. I was alone. I screamed. I shook. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t know who was staring back.
I’ve never been so overwhelmed with thoughts and emotions.
What am I going to do?
This isn’t supposed to happen to me.
How was my boyfriend going to react?
I’m so ashamed.
Do I tell my mom?
I can’t do this.
I briefly contemplated not telling my boyfriend. I thought about dealing with the entire situation alone. It could be my own secret. This is the first time I’ve admitted to that thought process. I’m ashamed it even entered my mind.
Instead I called my boyfriend who was out of town at the time. It was January 2nd. I was picking him up from the airport that night. There was no way I could speak to him on the phone and act normal, I had to tell him. My world had just come crumbling down and he was involved.
He didn’t answer. Finally the 4th time I called he picked up.
“I’m pregnant and I’m not having it.”
The words came tumbling out of my mouth. Just as much a surprise to myself as it was to him.
I hadn’t even come to a conclusion before I called but while on the phone I transformed into someone that was absolutely sure I was not going through with the pregnancy.
I’m not sure if it was because I knew he wasn’t ready to be a father.
Or maybe it was because I didn’t want to have to tell anybody else.
Or maybe it was because I held my planned life too dear to my heart.
His voice was calm, which leveled out my heaving sobs. His reassurance that everything was going to be ok made my hands cease their shaking. He handled it with more ease than I had expected.
I’ll never forget the relief in his voice when I said I wasn’t going to have it.
Immediately after hanging up the phone I called to make an appointment. The recording instructed me to press 3 to hear all the information about abortions. The lady spoke as if she was reading a grocery list. I silently cried on the other end.
This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I picked him up later that night. The Christmas lights in my room providing warmth in what seemed like a terribly cold dream. I sobbed. He told me he loved me for the first time.
At the time I questioned whether he was only telling me that because of the situation we had found ourselves in.
I think I was right.
Two weeks later I entered Planned Parenthood alone. I think I decided to go alone because I didn’t want anyone else to have to hold this heavy memory. There was an old couple standing at the edge of the premises handing out crosses. I looked through them, just as much as they looked through me. Judgments and stereotypes blocking both of us from understanding one another.
There were forms, lines, and waiting rooms. I was one of many. Some girls were joking. Some girls were crying. Some wives with husbands. Some girls with boyfriends. Some girls with mothers. I was alone staring at the floor.
No reason for me to hold my head up.
We were herded into a room to watch a video. I became angry. This wasn’t driver’s ed class, it was my body. The biggest decision I had ever made. But there it was a routine. I was just a body holding something unwanted.
I was given pills and briefly asked if I understood the emotional implications of what I was about to go through. I said yes, but I had no idea. There were two pills. One to take then and one to take 24 hours later.
I hesitated. I asked for some time to think before I took the first one. The doctor left me alone. The chair was cold and I could hear the rain outside.
Would it be a boy or a girl?
What would be their favorite bed time story?
Would they come to talk to me after their first heart break?
Where would they go to college?
At one point I stood up to leave. But before I reached the door I turned around, reached for the pill and swallowed it.
I left and sat in my car and warm salty tears ran down my face and dried. I made no attempt to wipe them away.
The next day I took off work to take the second pill. I’ve never been so sick in my life. I vomited. I ached. I vomited more. I bled as if someone had turned on a faucet. It felt like my insides were violently being pulled from my body.
Because that is exactly what I was doing.
I felt empty.
I felt lost.
I cried more than I knew I could.
I bled for the next month.
My boyfriend was supportive at the time but a few months later cheated on me, left and broke my heart. I know I will never talk to him again.
He was the only person that knew until a few months ago when it finally became too much for me to handle alone and I confided in a friend. A friend I knew wouldn’t judge me. A friend I knew would understand my decision.
I would have been due two weeks ago.
I love my life right now but there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about it. There isn’t a pregnant woman I see that I don’t think that it could be me. There isn’t a baby I see that I don’t think that it could be mine.
I don’t know if I made the right decision. I don’t know if I made the wrong decision.
And I don’t think I ever will.
October 18th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
This is a really powerful story, and I’m sure it took a ton of strength both to go through that and to write about it. I hope that putting it out there helped bring you some closure. There are always going to be unanswered questions, but I think with time it will get easier to accept that fact. Really amazing post.
October 18th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
What a powerful story… thanks for sharing it with us.
October 18th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
That was really powerful. I know it probably sounds like a scary prospect right now, but it might help you to talk to a counselor so that you don’t feel so alone. Good luck, and thank you so much for sharing.
October 18th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
wow. i appreciate the honesty and courage it took for you to write that.
October 18th, 2008 at 3:42 pm
Wow indeed. I’m glad you had the strength to put this into words and get it off your chest. I don’t even know what to say except that I hope that you are able to come to terms with this and are able to grieve.
October 18th, 2008 at 4:27 pm
I’m really impressed by your honestly here. It’s not an easy thing to talk about, but I think it’s so important to talk about. I admire your courage for putting this out there!
HUGS!
October 18th, 2008 at 4:38 pm
The writing behind this is so powerful that I can feel the author’s pain. I actually have tears welling up in my eyes. I’m sorry you had to go through this, whoever you are. I thank you for sharing your story.
October 18th, 2008 at 4:42 pm
I think…sometimes…we make decisions we know are right for us, but second guess ourselves when someone reminds us of how it might have been. It might help to think of it this way - had you kept it, the father would have been a deadbeat dad, you would have raised it on your own, and you may have not been able to achieve the things you wanted to achieve. If you ever want to talk, I may not know who you are, but I’m happy to listen. I’ve written something similar.
October 18th, 2008 at 4:56 pm
I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said, except thank you for sharing this. I hope one day it gets easier.
October 18th, 2008 at 11:56 pm
I’m with Carrie. Oh my. Much love
October 19th, 2008 at 12:47 am
Wow, such a powerful post. Thank you for having the courage to write it and share.
October 19th, 2008 at 12:51 am
Thank you for writing this and having the courage to submit it to be posted.
October 19th, 2008 at 10:59 am
Wow. “Powerful” is how everyone is describing this, but it doesn’t even reach its substance.
To anonymous writer… thank you for sharing.
October 19th, 2008 at 7:00 pm
i could have had a three year old right now…
i understand what you are going through. thanks for having the courage to share.
October 20th, 2008 at 12:44 am
wow. i cant even imagine going through something like that alone. its definitely moving the way you speak so eloquently about such a hard situation. i can only think that time will soothe this memory, but you followed your heart at the time and thats the best anyone can do.
October 20th, 2008 at 2:40 am
Thank you for your comments. It helped tremendously to be able to write this and have it be read, even by people I don’t know.
October 20th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
i’ll go with ‘powerful’ as well.
thank you for sharing. thank you more than you’ll likely ever know.
October 20th, 2008 at 5:34 pm
This was an awesome post. Really well written and well told. I’m sure everyone appreciates the situation the writer was/is in, and the fact that she had the guts to share it, even anonymously.
October 21st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
i wish i knew who this was so i could talk to her… to tell her i’ve been there, because i have. i know what it’s like to make that call, to have to carry the weight of it with you every single day, to wonder if you made the right choice or now. i’f anonymous is reading this, check out my blog back in october of ‘06, it’s all there… and then in september of 07′, it happened again, only this time? i was THRILLED. i lost the baby and i still feel like God is punishing me. it never gets any easier… i can remember running out of the clinic and slamming myself up against a wall, falling to the ground and bawling my eyes out. i still count the months and now years, i still wonder, and my heart is still heavy.
thank you so much for sharing your story, you’re not alone. <3
October 21st, 2008 at 4:19 pm
Same as Alexa, I could have a three year-old right now as well.
It’s a really horrible thing to go through. If you ever need someone to confide in about it, I’m here . . .
October 22nd, 2008 at 12:00 pm
Wow. That’s an intense, and yes - powerful - story to tell. Thank you for sharing that.
October 24th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
I know this was submitted anonymously, but I thought it was so well written that it should be in Five Star Friday!!!
October 24th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
Like everyone else, I found this very powerful and courageous. Thanks for sharing, and good luck with healing.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:37 am
A well written piece about a hideously difficult subject. As other commentators have said, must have taken a lot of courage to write - I hope it helps with the healing process.
October 25th, 2008 at 5:58 pm
You might want to check out Project Rachel at
http://www.hopeafterabortion.com/
It’s a place for post abortion moms to share their grief. I wish you peace.
October 26th, 2008 at 11:54 am
The After Abortion Blog also deals with the subject of grief and loss of moms after abortion.
http://afterabortion.blogspot.com/
I too wish you healing and peace.
October 27th, 2008 at 10:49 am
Time does make it better. I no longer remember when the due date would have been. I know what time of year I was pregnant and how old I was, so I could recalculate, but why? To torture myself? Not necessary. What’s done is done. And it was the right choice for me at the time. I have had 2 wonderful children. When the time was right for me. I too had plans for my life, and couldn’t imagine myself telling anyone but my boyfriend. I think my child would be around 27 now. I’m gauging that on a friend’s child’s age, who chose to keep hers. My friend still hasn’t achieved her goals. But her daughter is a beautiful woman now. Even so, I still think I made the right choice for me. But it doesn’t mean I don’t think “what if?” sometimes. Good luck to you anonymous! You’re very strong to have handled this on your own. Please good to yourself through the years over your decision.
October 28th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Dear anonymous,
Thank you for your story. I found it by chance, but it really touched my heart. My mother had a similar experience, and still remembers the child she would have had before me. When people rail against abortion, this is the side of the story that is drowned out, and it needs to be heard and understood.
I’m holding you in my prayers. Thank you for having the courage to share your experience.
December 13th, 2008 at 5:47 am
I think…I’m so glad when people share these stories. I KNOW I did the right thing but it took years to get over it. I’d have a 6 year old now. Six. Holy shit.
And it’s like, I’ll never be able to say I’m not a mom. I am…I just…killed my baby.
I don’t know. I think it’s important to share these stories. We shouldn’t be ashamed for making the right choices for our lives but there’s still a stigma, you know.
January 25th, 2009 at 11:16 pm
you can always get pregnant again. when you are absolutely ready.
April 9th, 2009 at 2:32 pm
How heart-shatteringly real. Thank you.
April 16th, 2009 at 11:43 am
Wow. This brought me to tears.. This is my story times 2. My heart really goes out to you and its true. We always wonder about the what ifs. I do every night when I look at my niece who would be the same age and nephew. Thank you.
April 18th, 2009 at 4:58 pm
Anonymous, It hurts my heart to hear what you have been through. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to carry that burden with you. I just want to encourage you. I know I don’t know your full story, but I know that Jesus says that His “yoke is easy and His burden is light.” I hope you find comfort in the fact that you are not alone and that He wants to carry your burden. I am by no means perfect, and I have no right to judge ANYONE because God has carried my own fair share of regrets. The memories might not fully dissipate, but I can promise that your life will be full. Many blessings and prayers… And, thank you so much for sharing…