The cult of the couple
I once read that North America could be conceptualized as a cult of the couple. Inherent in many of our norms and traditions is a belief that marriage is an inevitability. Everyone will end up married, we presume, and, furthermore, everyone wants to end up married. If you are single, of course you don’t want to be, and everyone should be striving to rescue you from this awful state.
A similar spin-off of this is the well-known “motherhood mandate”, in which it is assumed that every woman dreams of being a mother, with those who lack those maternal yearnings being clearly fundamentally flawed (oh no, the ice cold career woman!) and those who do not have children forever regretting their decision.
It doesn’t take a genius to hypothesize on some of the consequences of this mentality. People stay in lackluster, barely mediocre relationships because they believe it to be better than the dreaded single option. Stereotypes abound about spinster. Shows like Ally McBeal, who is consumed by single-induced neurosis, somehow speak to 20- and 30-something women. People begin to dread the questioning of their very worth as a person by not only family members, but random strangers, simply due to not being in a relationship. People are forced to explain why they are single, whereas they are never asked why they are coupled.
I think I came face-to-face with the saddest part this weekend though– a beautiful, accomplished, funny woman reduced to ruminations because her new boyfriend did not call her back. She, by anyone else’s standards, should have sky-high self-esteem– yet, it is utterly dependent on her relationship status. She smiles when there is a new man in the picture and falls into despair if it ends. Her life seems at time to literally orbit around maintaining her current relationship or finding a new one. Single is nothing more than a brief transitory period.
It makes me wonder how being with oneself became such a bad thing…
October 20th, 2008 at 5:40 pm
honestly, we’re such an over sexualized culture that people tie their self worth to all kinds of things that become the be all and end all- weight, how many people are making passed at you at the bar, and The Significant Other. There are so many standards to live up to at every stage of life it’s a wonder that these concepts are selling at all any more.
I’m so sorry for your friend, though! One of my close friends is like that, but if it’s not that she doesn’t have a boyfriend, it’s that her bf isn’t living with her, or proposing or so on. I’m sure once she’s married it’ll be babies and houses and cars. I’m starting the cult of treasuring & celebrating what we have. Any takers?
October 20th, 2008 at 5:53 pm
Really really like this post, makes a lot of sense and I love the final sentence. Great thought.
October 20th, 2008 at 6:52 pm
Ha. I’ve been thinking about that a lot today and decided I far prefer being by myself than being in a complicated relationship with anyone. Especially if it comes down to being treated right.
October 20th, 2008 at 9:08 pm
well said. excellent
October 21st, 2008 at 12:21 am
all that marriage and kids stuff pisses me off. i might, i might not, but i’m not even close to making that decision and that’s just fine with me!
i’m very happy being single right now.
October 21st, 2008 at 1:03 am
Ugh. I know the pain of the motherhood mandate. I’m not planning on having children (and have thought so for a few years) and if this ever comes up in conversation many people are somewhat put off by my decision. If my mom mentions it to her friends they inevitably say “oh she’ll change her mind once she’s settled”. I say boo to them! yeah I may change my mind, but don’t assume I will just because I have ovaries. I imagine it wouldn’t be the same prediction if I were a dude.
I’m married, but I agree wholeheartedly with the post. It was my/our choice, but I can dig that it’s not everyone’s choice (and/or inevitability).
October 21st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
I’m with you on this…it’s taken be almost 3 years of being single to get comfortable in it. I think I’m almost there.
PS-I heart your blog, so I had to pass the love today over on mine!
October 21st, 2008 at 3:54 pm
SO TRUE. For some reason though, I still feel like i NEED to get married someday…even though in other countries, it’s totally acceptable not to be.
Strange..
October 22nd, 2008 at 3:21 pm
I have been wondering the same thing lately. I know a lot of people who feel like they are worthless if they don’t find a partner. I have friends who I have never known to be single and who have done ridiculous things to maintain a volatile relationship. I think sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in your biggest fears and we are our worst critics so naturally the first person to suffer is yourself. These are the times when I like to go to my happy place (usually somewhere outside with my ipod) so I can get away for a while and remind myself I’m happy by myself, I can survive successfully on my own and it’s never as bad as it seems. You need to be happy with yourself and your life before anything else can function properly.
October 24th, 2008 at 11:46 am
From a guy’s point of view.
Not being in a relationship automatically classifies you as a loser who’s unable to attract women, or as a philanderer who’s nut deep in random pussy. There is no middle ground.
October 30th, 2008 at 7:25 am
I am very happily single, I am also minus the gene that demands I become a mother. I think the latter makes me feel less bothered about being married now.
I sometimes find myself feeling defensive about being single, like I must be hiding some inner desire and don’t want to admit it, but deep down I’m content - why is that harder to admit in public, especially to couples, who can’t possibly believe it?
Life is much simpler when there’s only you to manage (sounds selfish I know). I do wonder if the longer I remain single the harder it would ever be to integrate someone else into my life (I’m 33 now). Having said that I have an awesome family and loads of friends so life feels rich with relationships already.
I’ll stay out of the couple cult for as long as I can