I’m Not Emily Post
(Hello everybody! I received this post from someone who wished to remain anonymous. I think it’s such a revealing look at the struggles I know many people faced- or are still facing. Though we all wish politics would unite us, it’s sometimes far more difficult than we can imagine. Enjoy this thought provoking submission and thank you to the writer who submitted it.)
I don’t try and pass myself off as Miss Manners. I know that I sometimes forget to thank my hosts, I’m horrible at sending thank you cards (in mass quantities), and my inquisitive nature sometimes asks people questions that I instantly regret asking. I do not however, EVER ask people questions about their political/religious affiliation.
To me, it’s just wrong. It’s none of my business who you voted for or what god, if any, you decide to put your faith in. I won’t attempt to convert you to my side, I won’t even tell you what my “side” is, and I’d prefer the same respect. Now, I’m all about people being passionate about their causes, wave your signs, speak your mind, etc. I just don’t want to be put in an awkward position when I don’t join in.
Like, say, the position I was in with my father last night.
My father is an uber republican. I know this. I suppose I should have known better than to even begin a conversation with him on election night, but for some reason I thought he’d be a rational, respectable individual. I said “Hi.”
All I said was “Hi.”
Then, as if the flood gates were suddenly opened, my father started spewing uber-republican propaganda at me through his keyboard. And then, he asked me who I voted for.
Stop. Think about this. What position does this put me in? I either lie (because I certainly didn’t vote republican), plead the 5th and be assumed to have voted democrat, or fess up to my real vote and be forced to deal with the crazy that lies ahead.
I plead the 5th. I attempt to engage in an intelligent discussion about why McCain lost my independent vote (coughPalincough), about why I feel it’s always the lesser of two evils, about why I think the electoral college is bass-ackwards and how no matter who is elected most things will remain the same for the next few years (hello, do you realize how long Congress takes to make a decision?!). I try. I try. I try. And I fail.
Every. Single. Time.
Somehow I continually forget that it’s impossible to have a logical discussion with people who refuse to consider alternative view points.
Soon I receive a phone call from my mother. She yells at me, “Don’t tell people who you vote for!” I tell her I didn’t. I just said who I didn’t vote for. I could have written someone in, I could have voted libertarian. She tells me I need to tell my father I voted libertarian because he’s threatening to cut me off financially due to my ASSUMED democratic vote. Then she says if he drives me away she’s leaving too.
Wonderful.
Needless to say I ended up lying about my vote. The financial threat didn’t bother me much, I’d be ok. But I would not be able to be around my father, and because I know my mom would follow, I’m not about to let myself play the role of home wrecker in my own home. So I lied about my vote, feeling a sense of persecution I have only before read about. In an election year that was historic for the progress it made for women and African Americans in politics, I feel so very oppressed.
It’s a very happy day for a lot of people. A day that marks a shift in beliefs. A day that marks the beginning of an over-arching change. A day that many thought would never come.
But to me, it’s a day that reminds me, so very personally, of how far we have left to go.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:35 am
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November 6th, 2008 at 2:13 am
We definitely do have a long way to go still. Thank you for sharing your story with us.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:26 am
This was a courageous post– and an important one, too. I take it for granted that everyone around me respects my opinion, and, generally, has a fairly similar one. It shocked me last night when a friend of mine called, saying her brother had called her a Marxist for voting Obama, and her grandmother was barely speaking to her.
November 6th, 2008 at 8:41 am
I could have written this.
I had an awful couple of days this week and haven’t even spoken to my parents since the election.
I’m scared to, since I got some pretty harsh emails from my parents, who are worried about my salvation and political priorities.
It’s hard to be treated like a child. Or be persecuted.
November 6th, 2008 at 9:05 am
I just cannot imagine what it must be like to be so at odds with your parents, beliefs-wise, that they would threaten to basically disown you for not having the same viewpoint as them. It boggles my mind. Really, they should be proud to have raised someone who knows their own mind, who doesn’t just follow the crowd, who stands by their convictions, and all that good stuff. It’s a shame if they can’t see that. I’m sorry they can’t see things from your point of view, or that you can’t even begin to tell them your point of view, for fear of where it might lead.
It’s also interesting that your mother called you and said ‘don’t tell people who to vote for’ when that is exactly what they are doing by threatening to cut you off for not voting as they would like.
It’s such a shame we can’t all respect other people’s beliefs and opinions, even if we don’t necessarily agree.
November 6th, 2008 at 10:41 am
That’s really frightening, I can’t imagine what it would feel like to have your relationship with your parents be so conditional at times. I think this is one of those times where you just have to keep reminding yourself that they really do love you….they’ve just lost the plot.
These are moments that are good to store in our back pockets, acknowledge, and hope that will evolve over time.
The best thing that I’ve done for my relationship with my parents was to become self supported so they didn’t have that kind of leverage over me anymore, but until that happened there was definitely conflict and a lot of eye rolling.
Good luck!
November 6th, 2008 at 10:42 am
Hello, my kindred spirit. SERIOUSLY. My dad’s side of the family is uber-Republican, Evangelical Christian, Texas/Alabama-Bible belters (who are ordinarily very sweet, loving, nice people) who have been BOMBARDING my email with right-wing propaganda for the last 6 months - Obama is a terrorist, his birth certificate is fake, ACORN, baby-killer, etc., etc. I typically ignore it (though it often makes me insanely irate), but every once in awhile, I’ll send something back from Snopes.com or FactCheck.org that says, “No, actually Obama’s birth certif is real, you’re all a bunch of conspiracy theorists.” I was really afraid to do that the first time, to admit that I was the Black Sheep, the liberal, the non-”religious” one, but I did it anyway. And good things and bad things have come of it:
It’s opened up the doors of conversation SO MUCH between my (both) Republican parents. They’re sane, level-headed, normal people that just happen to disagree with me - nicely, tactfully, and in a way that we have some really great conversations. The rest of the family though? I’ve all but decided I don’t need to have any super close relationship with them because I’ve been so insulted and appalled over the course of the end of this campaign. When my aunt said, “Obama’s only going after the youth vote because they’re an uninfomed and immoral base that this won’t even matter to. 20somethings don’t have substantial jobs or paychecks (hi, I make more than my mother), they’re not worried about health care, not buying houses, not married, etc.,” i just about flipped my lid.
I know any and every single person reading this blog would read that and fall out of their chairs.
Ok, this comment is uber long - sorry, but I think I’m going to actually write a post about this…
Thanks for sharing your story! I’m so sorry there’s such a divide between you and your folks, but know that you’re certainly not the only one.
November 6th, 2008 at 12:20 pm
I identify and agree with all of the comments here. Becoming financially independent from my parents was the. best. thing. ever. for our relationship.
My mother and I are on basically the same page, politically, and my father and I have a primarily don’t-ask-don’t-tell relationship on the topic. But I feel pretty alienated from most of my extended family due to their intolerance (and, I suppose, mine).
Thanks for sharing this.
November 6th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
I argue with my parents about politics but I didn’t realize there were people out there who cared SO much that they would threaten to cut off their own daughter. That’s really extreme, and very sad. Your right, we do have a long way to go.
November 6th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
i went 2 full years without talking to my parents after i was kicked out of their house.
in the past two since we’ve begun talking, it’s been a struggle.. we talk, i am invited occassionally for a dinner at their place. but we do not go past the superficial. the weather, sports, food, etc.
i cannot imagine what a conversation like this would have went like with them.
so yes, i know how you feel. and it isn’t fun.
November 6th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
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November 6th, 2008 at 5:09 pm
Oh honey, this makes my heart so sad to read. No one should have to go through that with their parents. They’re supposed to raise you to be a strong independant being, not a clone.
Big hugs…
November 6th, 2008 at 5:51 pm
Well, the elections night, I discovered I have more hateful people than I thought on my Facebook. All I could read were these status where people were like “D is may God be with us during his presidency term…!”…
I mean, the elected president is going to do what he thinks is best for his country. He may be wrong sometimes, but he’s doing it for the country’s best interests, not for causing a harm to it.
November 7th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Thank you for posting this…
I just wanted to let you know that I linked this on my blog, I hope that is ok!
It was amazing, seriously thank you for sharing!
~Miss Lily
November 7th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Definitely a brave and thoughtful post to share. And I think, a good lesson on tolerance… something that I (shamefully) have to continue to work on.
November 7th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
My husband I are there too. Not so much with our parents (thank goodness). We don’t discuss politics with his parents and my Mom leans the same way we do, so no friction there.
But, my husband has been having a very bad time of it at work. He actually came back from lunch today to a bible scripture on his desk (Romans 12:2, if you are interested).
I just cannot believe that someone would question my husbands character because of who he voted for. It’s crazy that I should be so apprehensive about voicing my choice for president.
November 9th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
This was a great post. I came over from Brandy’s site. I can so relate to this post. However it’s my father that preaches to never discuss politics or religion but if you get him started, you better be prepared to hear a closed minded democrat. I was undecided until the last minute as I was not thrilled with either choice. It’s a shame when you feel you have to lie to a loved one to keep the peace.
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