I’m not too sure when I became the resident expert on cohabitation.

It could be that, seven months into living in a new apartment with my guy, I am still deliciously giddy about the notion of waking up to him every morning, and he still finds me bearable and perhaps a little cute, despite my tendency to spill food and to wear cat slippers for an entire day.

It could also be that this is round two for me, having lived with The Ex on and off for almost five years (on and off not because of tumultuous break-ups and make ups, but because we had a complicated series seasonal jobs and school related moves between us, meaning that we were seemingly doing the long distance thing as frequently as we were living in the same city). As such, I have some experience on what works well, and what can go very, very wrong.

This week, when having a catch-up coffee with a friend, she asked me for words of wisdom before her upcoming move into her boyfriend’s apartment. At first, I felt a little befuddled, as it can be hard to summarize what makes your relationship work. On the surface, it feels a little natural, as though it just clicks, rather than being due to a series of carefully thought out decisions. However, with a little more reflection, especially on the comparison between what has worked and what hasn’t, I realized there was some things I had learned, both from my first experience, my current experience, and watching my friends go through this transition. 

The thing we all seem to forget going into cohabitation is how differently we were all raised. While hopefully, by the time you decide to move in together, you have discussed the big things, like religious views, feelings about marriage and children, and so forth, often times the little things never occur to you. And while you expect disagreements on the big things to tear you apart, you underestimate how those little differences may eat away at you. These are the things you take for granted, that you just assume the other knows intrinsically.

For instance, some of The Ex and I’s most regular arguments were over the words “Thank you”. While I was growing up, my parents were big on thanking one another for the little things. Every night after dinner, my mother or father would make a point of thanking the other for making a delicious meal. As such, when I cooked dinner for the two of us, I would find my teeth slowing grinding together, waiting for words of gratitude to come from his mouth, and resisting the urge to shout “you’re welcome!” as I cleaned up the plates. However, whenever I confronted him on this, and claimed that it made me feel taken for granted, he stated that in his family, they didn’t thank one another for daily routines, such as cooking or cleaning. He stated that they saw these acts as just part of what being in a family were about, and thus were not in need of any special recognition.

So, in talking to my friend, I warned her about these unspoken assumptions that she may have never had to question before, and the sometimes tedious act of making the implicit explicit.

I also told her about what I see as the Big Three– the three topics many couples argue about when they first move in together– money, chores, and time spent together. Perhaps what has been the biggest blessing in my current relationship is expecting these Big Three, and talking about them prior to formally sharing a living space.

Money is obvious. Some people like a straight up 50/50 split, down to the exact penny. Others take a more lax approach, with the idea that it will all balance out in the end. Others feel the person making more money should pay a greater proportion of the bills. Some want joint bank accounts, others keep every dollar separate. There are advantages and disadvantages to every approach, but one thing is for sure– agree about which one you are going to take before you sign a lease. 

Chores probably fall into the taken for granted category. Some people leave the dishes to pile up until a specific day, others wash them the second they hit the counter. Some people grew up in a house with a gendered division of labour, others find such a notion offensive. It almost always seems as though there is one member of the couple who is messier than the other, which, especially when going unaddressed, is a great recipe for resentment on the part of the other person.

A chief example? I had a friend who did all the cleaning for her partner, and eventually grew fed up. Rather than talk to him about her frustration, she tried to prove a point by stopping all her cleaning– both to show him how much work she did, as well as to see how long it would take him to start picking up the slack. You can imagine how well this went over. Let’s just say I came over once, and had to drink water out of a shotglass, because every single other dish in the house was filthy. And I still don’t think he got the point. She certainly didn’t accomplish what she wanted.

Time together is a funny one. I’ve had some friends grumble over the fact that, once they moved in with their significant other, their partner stopped making plans with them, claiming that “We live together! We see each other all the time now!”

We’ve all had experiences with the opposite, too, the couple that has moved in together and now apparently are a single entity than cannot be separated. They are BobandKelly forever more, and heaven forbid one is invited out when the other is sick, because the world might combust at the notion of BobandKelly separating for a few hours. 

My guy and I are busy people. If we didn’t make specific plans every once in a while for a movie or dinner night, honestly, we would probably spent most of our time together sleeping. However, it is important for us both to have our separate friends. Sure, we have our couple friends, but we also have our separate social circles. Also, we’re both comfortable with the idea of hitting events solo– I can hold my own at a party or a concert, and so can he. Again, though, this is actually something we’ve had conversations about. As this was his first time living with a girlfriend, I think he was a little frightened of the horror stories about the iron grip coming into play once we moved in, and was therefore relieved when I told him that I still wanted my solo time and girls nights.

So those are my words of wisdom regarding shackin’ up. Does anyone have their own?

This entry was posted on Monday, December 1st, 2008 at 2:17 am and is filed under Princess sayz, life changes, love, marriage and a baby carriage. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.