Oblivious
This weekend was my office Christmas party. As we sat at the end of a long table filled with co-workers and spouses, a co-worker of mine came to speak to us. To put it into context, he and I have known each other very casually for several years, but have gotten to know one another better since we have been working the same job for a little over a year. He has been dating his girlfriend, also an acquaintance of mine, for as long as I’ve known him, and he knows that I live with my boyfriend.
So, we chat for a bit, mostly about work-related topics, which means I am trying to find a way to involve my boyfriend in the conversation. After around ten minutes, he returns to his end of the table, where his girlfriend was seated.
Later on, my guy and I are talking about the people we met that night, and he comments that this coworker seemed especially nervous around him. Eventually, as our conversation progresses, he says that he thinks my coworker has a thing for me.
Now, before I proceed, I should make it clear that my boyfriend is not a jealous guy. We both have friends of the opposite sex without any problems, and he is not one to make groundless accusations. He is also a very perceptive fellow, often catching people in the midst of white lies.
On the other hand, my coworker has never been anything but appropriate. I don’t think he’s ever even brushed up against me by accident, and he’s never said anything to indicate he’s unhappy in his relationship. Granted, he did suggest we get together to practice something work-related, but that didn’t seem very insidious at the time.
But, still, now I’m questioning things a little… perhaps because I have been a little oblivious in the past. While I can detect someone’s interest in a bar or party setting from miles away, I can be useless at detecting romantic interest from male friends. I just assume they all know I am in a committed relationship, and thus consider me off limits.
This has bitten me in the ass before, I will admit. In one case, I was friendly and helpful to an old friend I hadn’t seen in years. I presumed that since I had been upfront about my romantic commitment, he would know that my actions were merely platonic. However, when after a night of partying, I told him he could sleep on my couch (keep in mind, there were two other friends crashing on at my place that night, too– I am not that clueless!). He took that chance to try to kiss me– something that, perhaps densely, knocked me for a bit of a loop.
I like to pretend the rules are different with friends, that you can be yourself in such a way you wouldn’t with strangers without your behaviours being interpreted in a more salacious or flirtatious fashion. I want to be able to have a serious heart-to-heart, honest conversation with a male friend without the need to worry that it is being seen as a step towards something more. And, for the most part, I do think I have friends with whom this is possible.
Still, now I wonder… am I being too oblivious?
December 8th, 2008 at 10:54 am
Yeah, when a friend likes you, it’s hard to notice sometimes because you assume he/she is just being friendly, when actally, this only hides deeper feelings.
December 8th, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You’d totally be able to peg girls’ veiled affections toward your boy too… it’s just one of those things. But oblivious, I don’t think so. Modest, perhaps. The other modes of behaviour are way less appealing: make the blatant referral to your boyfriend everytime you speak to another lad? When that’s done to me, I feel pretty awkward, like, hold up, i’m not hitting on you here, that’s flat-out presumptuous!
And of your bloke, he’s just being a good boyfriend! How do you feel about people having mild crushes on others, even though they’re in a relationship (and it doesn’t interfere or detract from said relationship)?
December 8th, 2008 at 2:45 pm
Andy- That is it exactly! It is almost as if, when you are friends, the very same behaviours you interpret as flirtatious in a new person become par for the course.
S’mat- ‘Tis true. I am not unaware of those who show an interest in my boyfriend– which doesn’t mean I need to be threatened by it. He is a pretty good catch, so I understand why girls might have crushes– but just as long as they are respectful!
I think that mild crushes are probably normal, honestly, though some people may be more comfortable discussing them than others. The notion that you go blind because you are in a relationship is a little obtuse!
December 8th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
I am equally oblivious. Apparently my boyfriend’s friend has made comments about my body to my boyfriend and bf thinks he has hit on me openly. And he’s not the jealous type, either. Me? Never even knew it happened.
December 8th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
I’m also very bad for not noticing this. I’ve apparently given guys the wrong idea without even meaning to.
December 8th, 2008 at 9:11 pm
A little over a year ago I had a coworker who was really into me even though I had a boyriend. He knew I had a boyfriend. I talked about my boyfriend everyday at work. Yet he would still always invite me out for a drink, over to his place for a party, happy hour…. and it was never just a friend thing. He always got really flirty and a little too close. I got to the point where I felt uncomfortable around him outside of work because of it.
December 9th, 2008 at 2:33 am
hmm…. I don’t know. A lot of times I think friends do act in ways that, if you didn’t know they were your friends AND JUST YOUR FRIENDS, could be interpreted as flirty.
So maybe the boyfriend is right.
But i don’t think it’s a case of being oblivious, at least not in a negative way.
…I don’t make any sense.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
It is so tough to know the difference sometimes. My husband claims that no man can be “just friends” with a hot girl. I had all these guy friends - truly just friends - who I used to hang out with and he claimed that most of them wanted to sleep with me. I was like, um..no they don’t. But then I started thinking about it and oh yeah. I guess they kind of did send those signals from time to time. I think as women we just see people as great friends and nothing else a lot easier than guys sometimes so it’s hard to notice.
December 9th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Wow, I totally understand. I consider myself nice to everyone, boys and girls. But some guys automatically take it the wrong way if you’re nice to them. I really try to not come off as flirty by being too nice. I’ve learned that you just have to be a little reserved when talking to guys you don’t know very well.
Also, can a guy be friends with a girl he likes? I’ve never figured this one out since it elicits a heated discussion among anyone I ask. It seems that girls are pretty good at being friends with a guy they like without suffering too much. Or maybe that’s just me.
December 9th, 2008 at 3:34 pm
I am so the same way, very oblivious and even if someone points it out I shrug it off until that person finally does something and I’m like how in the WORLD did i miss that?! Hopefully, if its anything, its just a harmless crush and he is smart enough never to act on it.
December 9th, 2008 at 5:41 pm
I was in somewhat of a similar situation, but not with a co-worker. My guy friend and I would meet up for happy hours and he had a girlfriend, so I always knew nothing would happen. (and I didn’t want it to). However, one day, out of the blue, he tried to make out with me. Actually, he did make out with me. Yeah, I let him (I blame this on me being lonely!) But, even after all of that, he still claims that his girlfriend is the one he wants to marry. This makes me think that perhaps he was looking for something (or, someone) to solidify the fact that his girlfriend is the one for him. Maybe your co-worker is trying to figure that out as well. Hopefully, he doesn’t try anything with you!