Friends with Benefits
Today’s guest post is by a blogger who wishes to remain an anonymous. However, she will still be here to read your comments, so let her know what you think!
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Here’s a topic that affects many twenty-somethings that I know a lot about, both from personal experiences and by being my circle of friends’ therapist.
Friends With Benefits. Love them or hate them, they’re a fact of life for many people.
The concept is simple: Two friends who get along well enough decide to implement a physical aspect to their friendship in order to fulfill each other’s sexual needs. They are each other’s booty call, as well as their friend. Basically, they are all the good things of a relationship without the messy bits of being attached to someone.
It’s hard to say if FWBs are decidedly good or bad. On the one hand, there are many benefits to FWBs:
- - You get sex.
- - It’s not with a stranger, so there’s still some sort of emotional tie with the person you’re sleeping with.
- - You’re not in a relationship, so you’re able to look for that special someone without being forced to go celibate or relying on bar-hopping hook-ups.
- - You get sex.
- - It forges a deeper sense of trust and openness with that friend
- - And you get sex.
But, there are a lot of risks—aside from the typical risks associated with having sex in general—that can come with knocking boots with your friend. There’s a chance that one of you develops stronger feelings for the other over the course of intimacy and mistakenly turns the no-strings-attached sex into a stand-in relationship. That alone can cause further complications when you’re expecting relationship-like behaviour from your friend and get upset when he or she doesn’t comply or return those feelings.
There’s also the potential for the act to be regretted afterward, thereby making the friendship strained as one or both parties have to overcome the embarrassment or feelings of guilt, creating a rift within the friendship. Even despite our best efforts, the issue of jealous can also creep up when one begins a relationship with someone else and needs to cool off or end the benefits portion of the friendship. Or, (and this is the worst outcome of an FWB gone wrong), the friendship dissolves completely and you lose a valued friend.
I bring this up because currently, I’m at the cusp of starting a new FWB relationship, and I’m the only one holding back as I decide whether or not to take the plunge. It’s not my first FWB scenario as I was in a similar situation a few years ago that ended badly. The friendship was left in shambles and it took several painstaking years of work and trust to rebuild even half of what we had. My past experiences, as well as the experiences of my friends who were burned in their own FWBs, taught me that they could really hurt in the end.
So why would I consider taking the risk of ruining a fantastic friendship by embarking in another sexually gratifying ride with a close friend? Well, for starters, there’s the sexually gratifying part. But there’s more to it than that. There’s the intimacy involved, the physical aspect, which both of us as somewhat recently single people are craving after suddenly not having that in our lives anymore. I don’t see myself starting a relationship anytime soon, but I miss having a physical connection with someone and I know that I can get what I need from my friend, and can return the favour. But is all of that worth the risks? I’m still working out that one.
Have you ever been in a similar situation? Has your experience been positive or negative? If you haven’t, what is your point of view on FWBs?
January 3rd, 2009 at 3:05 pm
I had a FWB a few years back…but I’m just not cut out for it. I get attached! I found myself having sex with him to get him to want to be with me…and it was never gonna happen, he was getting all he wanted out of the deal already. Good luck! I think if you’re both on the same page from the start, it can be good, and the friendship won’t be damaged.
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I have had this.
I woudn’t do it again.
To be perfectly honest, sex isn’t the be-all-and-end-all with me. The Friends-with-Benefits experience I had proved that. I got emotionally attached.
Oh and I also fucked up a friendship by just getting INVOLVED with a friend. In a relationship sense. Wouldn’t recommend THAT either…
January 3rd, 2009 at 4:53 pm
I have had one (and kind of still do I guess)… but I don’t want one. I am just not cut out for the “wham bam, thank you ma’am” sex mentality. I want to wake up next to the person in the morning. I want to feel loved. And most of all, I don’t want to feel like a whore every time I do it. I figure if I want to continue to have sex with a person, I also want a relationship with them. The whole FWB just doesn’t work for me. Arg.
January 3rd, 2009 at 6:29 pm
i had one when (oh god, i’m going to sound old) i was in my early twenties. he didn’t start out as a friend, but an acquaintance. we had mutual friends, saw each other at parties, did group things with friends. went camping a few times. it was nothing serious, we never had a conversation about feelings or anything. we were kind of an un-couple that was together on and off for … wow, was it five years? anyway, that was years ago, he’s married, and we’re still in touch. geez. it sounds like i’m 50. i’m 31. anyway, so it worked out okay for me. i knew he wasn’t “the one” or anything.
January 3rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
Unlike ms. driving, I *am* old. But I found out many years ago that for me sex and attachment are closely tied - too closely to separate them and have a FWB successfully
So make sure you both can separate those aspects or it probably won’t work..
January 3rd, 2009 at 9:19 pm
Never had one, actually… so I can’t speak from experience.
I think, though, from what others have spoken to me, one of the biggest problems is a lack of ground rules–when there is a friendship at stake, perhaps you need to be more explicit with things then you would be with someone you were just dating– e.g., is it on the downlow? Are they seeing other people? How do you end things? What if feelings develop?
January 4th, 2009 at 12:13 am
Have had several, and embarking on one now. The nice thing is, we can wake up with each other in the morning. I always did in the past. But sometimes, I do think I am missing the X chromosome in greater detail, because sex can be just sex for me.
Would I love to have emotional sex again? Absolutely. But…right now, I need a break from the last serious relationship, and I just want casual sex and silliness. Which makes a friend with benefit perfect.
January 4th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
I have never had a successful FWB experience. It seems to get overly complicated because at some point, either myself or the other person develops feelings. Jealousy is another big issue - not just for the two people involved, but for other people we might date. For example, I had a FWB and after we grew out of that phase, he went on to date. Being the honest guy he is, he told his then girlfriend about our past. That put our friendship in an awkward place because she hated me after that.
I just stay away from those situations. I can see the pros, but I think the cons outweigh those.
January 4th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
I think it’s always easy in the beginning to say “what can it hurt? what could possibly go wrong?” or “our friendship comes first, and we’ll stop it when/if it gets too deep”… but that’s just lust and hormones talking, trying to justify and rationalize what isn’t exactly the most emotionally healthy behavior. If you CAN completely separate lust from ANY emotions, it’s possible it can work — but it’s my belief that that sort of separation (of emotions from reality) can leech out into other aspects of your life. And, also, I also believe that it’s difficult to put yourself “out there” for a real and meaningful relationship if some of that energy is going into a FWB situation. (I’ve had several, and even one that worked somewhat well, and I still wouldn’t recommend them.)
January 4th, 2009 at 8:08 pm
I honestly think that FWB may work when you’re younger but at some point, you have to realize that you are just lying to yourself if you think a FWB is all you want/need.
After you find out how much more there is than just sex, a FWB hardly feels worth it.
January 4th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
My one FWB experience was with an acquaintance and I definitely got attached. So, I’d say stay away from it if this is a good friend.
I do understand the difficulty in doing that…the sexual fulfillment and emotional connection are incredibly strong pulls. But if this person is a good friend and you really don’t want to lose a friendship, I wouldn’t do it. Find someone who’s less important to you, but still FWB-worthy, if that makes sense
January 5th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Hmm, I blogged about this a few months ago because I felt like I was missing the FWB gene. I’ve gotten into situations where… it could have easily turned into a FWB situation but I just can’t do it. I sometimes wish I could though.
January 5th, 2009 at 4:41 pm
If you like the friend, why not giving it a chance?
But to tell you the truth, I’ve had this too. And it ruined the friendship because he fell really hard for me. And I didn’t feel the same. I don’t think it was ever as innocent as I thought.
It’s not for me, based on my sole experience. It always hurts someone in the end.
January 29th, 2009 at 3:48 am
In December I picked up a good friend who had been incarcerated for 1 year. We talked about friends with benefits and had sex three times. He just texted me and told me he has three girls and for me to move on.
January 30th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Been there, done that. One side always goes being okay with it….to not. I have been able to keep almost all of my friendships, and frankly…it is easier than dating.
May 24th, 2009 at 2:55 pm
I totally loved this thread, thanks for the share.
September 19th, 2009 at 4:05 pm
I was in this type of situation, just getting out of it. It was fun for the duration of it, a year of great talks, laughs, great sex, laughs, talks, great sex. And then poof just like that I was falling in love with him. I couldn’t believe it. So I had to break it off and completely back away. I will never do this again and I only proved one thing to myself that I was able to handle it, but human nature is human nature - I got attached and wanted more and he could not give it to me and in reality he is not someone that I can see myself growing old. FWB relationships are not for everyone and it can work as long as you continue to have fun and not to expect anything more.
August 21st, 2010 at 8:26 pm
I never thought I would be the type to get involved in one of those benefit friendships and I did…with my ex boyfriend of all people after a we broke up. The benefits thing went on for over 4 months even though we agreed to stop it but it kept on happening.
We started the fwb a few weeks after we broke up. I’m never in my life going to do it again. It has hurt me so much because I wanted more and he didn’t. While we were doing the fwb thing I thought that he wanted to get back together because he was saying things but he didn’t want to. The fwb thing is over now and I’m pretty sure the friendship is over as well, it was so painful to hear that he was having sex with me and broke up with me just because he stopped liking me…Now an ex of his has moved back and I’ve just been his in between girl.
August 26th, 2010 at 1:42 am
I have had a fwb thing going on now for over 2 years. I’ve had similar situations in the past where we “said” everything was cool, but…being a member of the female species, it was me who always developed feelings. So back to my current situation, my fwb and I worked together for 3 years. We would do so many crazy, erotic, and risky things at work that it was so hard to stop because I had never experienced how amazing spontaneous sex could be! We were both uncontrollably drawn to one another, but now that we don’t work together things have kind of cooled off…until the other day when he texted me and said he missed me. I broke it down for him and told him that I didn’t want to continue to do the fwb thing anymore because I was beginning to develop feelings. To my surprise he told me he’s feeling the same way. That was a fwb first for me! The feeling is mutual?!? So now we’re going to go out on an actual date and see where it goes. Wish me luck!
December 1st, 2010 at 4:06 am
FWBs is so difficult and confusing, especially if you started off with a good friendship. With my experience, I was blaming sex for turning the relationship into pretty much sex-only for a while, not much friendship. But now I wonder if we would still talk if there was no sex at all. I’ve been thinking to break it off several times, but it’s difficult to bring myself about to do that.I think I might be interfering with his pursuits to get a steady gf, but whenever he starts talking to someone I can’t help it but sometimes feel jealous. It’s complicated
April 14th, 2011 at 12:08 pm
How’s about from a guys point of view. - I meet this girl almost exactly 6 months ago. We started off friends wth benefits..then it slowly became a relationship. She had just got out of a long marriage and was looking to liberate herself. I never labeled our relatiship because I knew that might driver her away. Sex is great and we have alot of fun. She also has a kid and a demanding job, I have school and a busy schedule. So yesterday..a day after our “6 month” mark she says we need to had a talk. So now she says she wants to be friends, wants to date to find the right someone but leaves the ability wth me to choose if we want to be just friends or wth benefits. She’s says she won’t sleep wth anyone else but would like to date also. The dilemma is I feel something..but not sure how she feels exactly. - so..what do you guys think?
September 3rd, 2011 at 11:27 pm
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October 6th, 2011 at 9:49 am
I need some major help here!!
I’ve been dating a woman, while separated and awaiting my divorce. Yes I already know that this was a BAD idea. Too late we have/had very strong feelings for ea. other and clicked right off the bat. The timing couldn’t be worse but our connection couldn’t be better. I fell in love w/her in may but haven’t told her yet. So what do I do throw it away? Anyway.
My divorce documents are currently being drafted.
Last week my future ex called her workplace and told her supervisor that she was having an affair with her Husband. This devastated my girlfriend. She told me she was hurt her very badly by this and she was EXTREMELY angry, rightly so.
She then came over to my place and we talked for awhile and told me she wanted a FWB type of setup. I am totally confused by this as this is backwards from a typical FWB setup because we were already emotionally involved.
Well I agreed for now. Although she wants me to tell friends and family that we are no longer seeing each other (which I did) she still looks lovingly into my eyes and whispers my name when I caress her and touch her face. I asked her awhile ago why she like to touch my face and she said because it’s intimate, I agree. She still touches my face. We both still kiss very passionately. And caress each other as well.
We sleep over ea. other’s houses too. She likes to sleep with me, we do have sex, and cuddle and we hold ea. other at night.
Well that was long winded huh? My question. I don’t think we’re in a true FWB setup. I think she’s trying to protect herself from the pain and hurt? I will file my uncontested divorce soon and it should take maybe 30 days to complete.
Should I tell her that I love her and need/want more? Or should I wait until the divorce is at least filed or completed before doing so.
Please help me I LOVE THIS WOMAN VERY MUCH!!!
November 17th, 2011 at 1:25 pm
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