What you didn’t want your parents to know
It must be hard for our parents to admit we are adults, to some extent. I know I get freaked out by the fact that the kids I used to babysit have jobs and go to the bar, so I can only imagine what it is like to see those milestones being surpassed by the same person you knew when they could fit in the crook of your arm.
Still, though, there are certain milestones they are undoubtedly thrilled about– first jobs, university graduations, weddings, and so forth.
And then, even though the birth of grandchildren may be one of the most significant on the list, there is still the one they are never thrilled about– discovering their baby is having sex. Sure, when we are given the birds and the bees talk sometime in childhood, beginning with “When a man and a woman are very much in love” (or, if your parents are progressive , they throw in the man/man and woman/woman combination), they know, at some level, that we are going to be that man or that woman. They just don’t really want to think about that possibility– just like how we, in that same moment, are a little disturbed to know we are the result of our parents doing *that*, rather than being found snoozing away in the cabbage patch.
Denial is often the tactic used to cope with this fact. I was recently told the story of my friend’s father coming to visit her at the home she shared with her live-in boyfriend, and being forced to pretend that her boyfriend slept in the spare room, because her father seemed convinced that there was no way that his little girl would be sharing a mattress with a boy.
Obliviousness worked on my parents at first. When our toilet unfortunately backed up, and my mom found a condom floating in its midst, I somehow convinced her we had been making condom balloons (to be fair, I had done that before).
However, there are some facts even the most heavily in denial parents cannot deny. Sadly, my story involves one of these facts.
The summer before my senior year, I was headlong into the summer romance portion of a long distance relationship. As part of the obligatory part of the world trying to scare us away from teenage sex, on one of our first (and only) times sleeping together, when I was in his town, eight hours from home, the condom broke. Petrified, I made him drive me to the ER of the local hospital, where I was prescribed the wonderfully nausea inducing morning after pill. Unfortunately, I had left my wallet in his friend’s truck, and was without my Medicare card. I was told I would be sent a bill for $150 unless I provided them with my Medicare number right away.
I called them that night with the number.
They sent the bill anyways.
My mom, confused at why I might be getting a hospital bill after I’d not reported any mysteriously accidents or illnesses from my stay, opened the bill.
No quick thinking can explain that one away.
How did your parents find out you were having sex? Or is it still unspoken?
January 20th, 2009 at 1:36 am
I was really sick and had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks when one of the doctors came in to do a full medical history. She (naturally) asked if I was sexually active, I said yes, my mom turned a stunning shade of scarlet and left the room. We’ve never talked about it since.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:33 am
I think my mom just assumed. She told me I was going on the pill before college and that was about it!
January 20th, 2009 at 5:12 am
For some reason this has never been talked about at my house. Even the few times where I had a guy spend the night there hasn’t even been a comment about the extra pair of shoes in the hallway. No awkward “now that you’re xteen years old it might be time to discuss”-conversation either..
January 20th, 2009 at 5:38 am
I got birth control, put it on my parents’ insurance, THEN told my mom… before she got the insurance bill. Thankfully my mom’s always been really rational and up-front, so she just responded something like “well, I’m glad you’re being safe.” And to think I put it off because I was afraid of what she’d say…
January 20th, 2009 at 5:39 am
Also, wrong link on my last comment I think… anyway. Great post!
January 20th, 2009 at 9:23 am
This sentence was really cute “just like how we, in that same moment, are a little disturbed to know we are the result of our parents doing *that*, rather than being found snoozing away in the cabbage patch.”
And my parents KNOW I have sex but would rather not talk about it
January 20th, 2009 at 10:01 am
When I came home after my first year of college, I never really unpacked fully since I was heading back in less than 3 weeks. My mom went into my room and found a half-used box of condoms. Let me tell you, that was an absolutely lovely conversation.
January 20th, 2009 at 10:33 am
Totally still unspoken, though my parents aren’t morons. They know what’s up, we just don’t talk about it.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:03 am
i think my mom figured it out when i told her i needed to go on the pill, but i had been having sex before that and i don’t think she had any idea.
January 20th, 2009 at 11:10 am
We still haven’t talked about it. Last summer, my mom tried to buy me sheets (from a YARD SALE!) and I finally talked her out of it because they were twin sized. She said, “Wait…what size bed DO you have?” I said, “A double bed, because I’m an adult now” and we left it at that. For Christmas this year, she sent me an absolutely gorgeous bedding set with full-size sheets and a queen size comforter. So she got over that.
We’re going to have to have this chat pretty soon though–I’m bringing my boyfriend home to meet the family, and we’ll probably stay in a hotel so we can sleep next to each other like we do every night. My parents wouldn’t be comfortable with this in their house, which I am fine with, but it’s going to be awkward to say, “We’re coming to visit, but we’re not actually staying with you” since I’m sure they’ll assume it’s just so we can do it all the time. *sigh*
January 20th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
My dad always just kind of assumed and was my hook-up for free birth control (he was a pharmacist), but my mom was a different story.
One day, she was dropping me off at high school and I was whining about some bad leg cramps the night before. As we pulled up to the front steps, she mentions “Well, maybe its the birth control pills I found in your room!” I froze, looked at her, then tucked and rolled out of the car.
That was 10 years ago and it hasn’t been mentioned since.
January 20th, 2009 at 2:17 pm
My parents and I have a don’t ask, don’t tell policy.
My mother actually told me, “I don’t want to hear about your personal life past ‘mom he kissed me’” I find this perfectly do-able.
January 20th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Because I lost my virginity fairly late on, my parents have luckily had no reason to know about it. I’m assuming they know I’m sexually active, but I think they would prefer not to know!
January 20th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Yeah, I didn’t lose my V card til after I went away to college so the parents had no reason to know. Today it’s kinda like they know but I haven’t come right out and said hey guess who’s having relations???
January 20th, 2009 at 7:41 pm
Its not really discussed, ever. My mom is a big fan of denial so we all just go with it. It works for us, I think thats something no parent likes to think of their child doing.
January 20th, 2009 at 8:48 pm
Um… I was fairly young (15?) and decided I better have the mature conversation with my mom that I wanted to go on the pill, instead of just doing it behind her back.
Anyway, she gave me this huge lecture about how she didn’t think I was old enough and i should really think about my decision to have sex, and HOW SHE WAITED UNTIL SHE WAS WITH MY DAD and he’s the only person she’s ever had sex with. (I really didn’t want to know that).
When she was finally done, I uttered the sentence “It’s too late for that lecture Mom.” And she burst into tears. We haven’t spoken about it since.
January 21st, 2009 at 2:08 am
Ooh awkward. After the ER visit did she figure out what happened on condom-balloon day?
With my mom, its more or less unspoken. We’ve had a general conversation or two but she’s pretty open about stuff. But I think even so, no matter how open your mother is there are certain things I think are worth censoring.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:26 am
Hehe, look at everyone coming out to comment!
My mum found out I was having sex which she found a used condom full of “stuff” in my laundry. I had to do my own laundry from that point on.
January 21st, 2009 at 12:43 pm
Well, I never was caught but its always fun having a conversation about how you’re having sex with your current boyfriend and need to make sure you are careful ETCETERA over a bowl of clam chowder at a restaurant somewhere in NYC. ALWAYS good times, always.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:41 pm
Ouch.
It’s pretty unspoken with my parents. They had to have known for quite some time but we had a strict dont ask dont tell policy.
January 21st, 2009 at 1:56 pm
Excellent topic.
And sooooo unspoken. I take trips with my bf so it’s obvious we’re not getting 2 hotel rooms. And still? We just. don’t. talk. about. it.
Denial works really quite well in my family.
January 21st, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I told my parents I needed to get on the pill but I don’t think they took me seriously. They never took me to the doctor or anything.
But I was exactly innocent back then and this one boyfriend I had would come visit me after curfew, while they were sleeping….
My dad’s wife found a condom in the trash, the one time we left it in there. I think she had been snooping.