So we all know that it can be hard to meet that Mr. or Mrs. Right. And it’s also no secret that all of us here love the good old internet. So really, it was only a matter of time before the two ideas merged and people began searching for their special someone on the World Wide Web.

 

Enter, e-Harmony.

I’m pretty much a marketer’s dream –when I see a Pantene commercial and the model’s hair looks so silky and amazing that even I kind of want to touch it, I immediately HAVE to run out and buy myself some new shampoo. So, yes, you know where this is going. I saw a commercial for e-Harmony, logged on, filled out the 2728282 page long questionnaire that promised to deliver my soul mate to my inbox and voila, I was online dating.

Now, everyone has their own stories to tell and their own perceptions of the whole notion of online dating. My experiences, albeit limited, have been good, so my purpose here is purely to entertain and not to discourage or disparage.

For those of you who are unfamiliar, e-Harmony has you fill out a lengthy survey and personality profile before you begin receiving matches. The matches you get are based on the compatibility of your answers with others and you can only see the profiles that you’re matched with. If you don’t like the looks of a profile, you can close the match, citing one of a few reasons why you prefer not to move forward.

While there are some great guys out there looking for the same thing that I want – a caring, funny, intelligent person to spend time with and possibly evolve into a longer term relationship – there are also some lunatics. Now, you can’t judge a book by its cover online dating profile, but the harsh reality is that sometimes, people DO. I approached e-Harmony with an open mind and a nonchalant attitude, but even with my dedication to non-judgment, I’ve come across a few gems, and with the help of a few friends in the same boat as me, pulled together a sampling of the best/worst e-Harmony profile entries. (Names have all been changed).

One thing that only Dylan’s best friends know is: You’d have to ask them. They probably know stuff about me that I don’t even know that they know…… You know?” Looking back, I wrote the above probably a year ago. Holy S. That was so… LAME! Please do yourself a favor and close the match and when Eharm asks “Reason” say “Because his profile tried to be funny and fell farrrrrrr short of succeeding.

So you’ve been on e-Harmony for a year. Maybe it IS time to revise the profile again, buddy

One thing that only CJ’s best friends know is: According to my best friends I give amazing massages. I have had years of practice giving my two best friends them and they say I am really good plus it makes my hands feel good. 

Is that really the first thing you want people to know about you?

 

One thing that only Paul’s best friends know is: I can’t answer that question, but one thing my best friend’s don’t know is that I’m on this site. I don’t know why, but at this point e-harmony just isn’t cool.  

So…are you telling me I’m not cool?

The one thing Parker is most passionate about: I’m passionate about the meaning of life - why does the world work the way it does? I feel like there’s another dimension that nobody talks about - the one people feel. Happiness, sadness, anger, joy… what causes these things and what would the world be if we could bottle them and commoditize them? How much would you pay for a bottle of happiness? Would sadness be a byproduct (like CO2 to gasoline)? How would that even work? I think about things few people consider, and I love being ridiculous.

OK, seriously? I’m tired just from reading that.

  

The things Scott can’t live without are: My family, My Ipod, My car, Right Guard Deodorant, my bvlgari cologne.

 

Seriously, two of the five things you couldn’t live without are your deodorant and cologne? Not to judge, but food to eat and good health are nice too. I’m just saying….

The one thing Tim wishes MORE people would notice about him is: People tend to see my body language and say I am a nasty, mean person when in fact iam not. iam a big teddy bear.

Got it. Next!

The one thing Al wishes MORE people would notice about him is: My booty

Enough said.

The one thing Andrew wishes MORE people would notice about him is: I think girls think i am too nice so they just want to be friends with me. No matter how hard i try i could never get a girl to give me her number even if i spent all night talking to her.

When I read this I didn’t laugh. I’d like to state for the record that my first and only instinct was to want to help this poor guy figure out what he’s doing wrong.

For Gary: if you had three wishes, what would they be? Only three wishes? What kind of a cheap genie are we dealing with? Send this genie back and tell him to tell them to send me one that will grant me a full night of wishes! I suppose if I had to pick three things, I’d wish for the gift to bestow immortality to myself and my friends. The second wish would be for the wish of death - so that if I or any of my friends chose to die we would be able to do so… And, for my final wish, I’d wish for those wishes to be undone if they would not make me happy.

For Gary: If you could accomplish only one thing during the rest of your life, what would it be? I know this sounds horribly morbid, but if I could only accomplish one thing for the rest of my life, I’d rather be dead.

Apparently, I attract the happy-go-lucky guys.

Tonight, Liam can do anything he wants, no penalties, no reprisals, and the cost is unimportant. What are you going to do? I would invite a whole bunch of friends and have a nice big party … with party I mean food, good music, get together, conversations, fun … at a rooftop bar … or in a secluded place out in the woods. Or take them to a beautiful island. I would like to share that luck that I have that night. Other than that … well … getting a hot car, chicks, and playing the big game …

That last sentence just kills the whole idea.

Now it’s your turn! I want you to tell us all of your best/worst dating stories. Online, offline, let’s hear it!

 

This entry was posted on Friday, January 30th, 2009 at 12:15 am and is filed under audience participation required!, because we should be giving advice, boys will be boys, maris thinks, seriously?!, the boys, the dating pool. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.