The Dating Pool Shrinketh
Today we have a wonderful guestpost from BeatnikChik over at In The Moment. Please leave her comments and make her feel welcome! -Jess
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I don’t need a man to make it happen
I get off being free
I don’t need a man to make me feel good
I get off doing my thing
I don’t need a ring around my finger
To make me feel complete
-Pussycat Dolls
When it comes to romantic relationships, they say the more educated a man is the more desirable he becomes to the ladies. They say it’s the opposite for women. Women no longer seek higher education for their M.R.S. degree. If you go to college you are thus relegated to dating only college graduates. After grad school, college educated men are supposedly no longer an option. And when you do date outside those parameters, there’s always talk that you could have, should have done better.
This is in small part to “like attracting like,” meaning that women choose to date men of equal or higher academic status. It is to a greater extent attributed to men’s insecurities. Men are allegedly threatened by women who are more accomplished than they are. Or maybe they just don’t like smart women. We all know that, for a woman, being dumb is not a detriment to one’s love life. Ahem. As long as you’re attractive.
The unspoken rule is that men prefer pretty to smart. Of course that could be a gender myth. Like the analogous rule that women want men with money. To be blunt, that women are gold diggers who only see dollar signs and deep pockets. To put it nicely, that women are looking for a good provider.
Is there any truth to it? Does being brainy and/or driven put a damper on a woman’s love life? Well, I can only speak from my own experience and observations. And I will say that I do like smart men, educated men, accomplished men. I don’t care how much money he makes as long as he is gainfully employed, doesn’t live with his mother, and doesn’t expect me to financially support him.
I am a twenty-something professional with an advanced degree. HELLO I’m not just pretty, I’m smart too! In past relationships I have felt that men are threatened by the fact that I have my act together. Most likely because I expect the same from them.
I am perpetually single. I work too much. I own my house. I pay my own bills. Admittedly I do not fit into the traditional female role. I don’t cook. My biological clock is not ticking. I will never be a stay at home mother.
And I think that’s okay. I think we can create any standards that we want for ourselves. We can constantly readjust the criteria we look for in a mate. We can hold out for that (almost) perfect person. We can choose not to settle. And we can watch the dating pool of eligible bachelors dwindle as we get older, as people pair off and marry, as we have fewer opportunities to meet people, as we become better educated and more successful in our careers, as we become less willing to compromise our standards.
Will I die alone? Possibly but probably not. Am I worried about it? Not yet. Because the reality of the situation is we all make choices and live with the trade offs. The upside is that I’ve spent the better part of my adult life figuring out who I am and what I want. Accordingly, I have more to offer someone. So why is it that there are fewer takers?
Do I need a man? No. Do I want a man? Yes. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I’m not waiting for a man, I’m just living my life. After all, what good is a knight in shining armor when you’re not a damsel in distress? But I am a romantic. To quote the single girl’s diary, Sex and The City, “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”
I just haven’t found it yet.
February 1st, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I’m college educated, but I def have a thing for blue collar men. In fact, I’ve never dated a guy that went beyond high school! (I didn’t even realize that until reading this post.) And I do always get the “you can do better” comments. Now you’ve got me thinking…
February 1st, 2009 at 4:22 pm
As a guy, I have to admit that I find intelligence sexy whether the woman is college educated or not.
Also not sure there is such a thing as the perfect person for someone, used to think so but heartbreak kind of changed that idea.
February 1st, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Don’t give up that part of yourself - being smart and pretty.
I finally found him. The guy that appreciated that I was financially savvy, smart and pretty. He loved it.
All the other guys I dated found it intimidating.
And if you can’t find that kind of man and feel like you’re settling, then it’s the wrong guy.
Fabulously Broke in the City
“Just a girl trying to find a balance between being a Shopaholic and a Saver.“
February 1st, 2009 at 7:02 pm
Thank you.
I started to write a reply, but then it started to turn into a blog entry. Instead of take up your space, I put it on mine….but I wanted to let you know that your post started it.
February 1st, 2009 at 7:24 pm
hmmm interesting… I agree with the points, but at the same time the majority of my REAL relationships have all been with guys who didn’t (or didn’t plan to) get a college education. And they were great, but I was also pretty young.
I don’t have experience dating in the non-college world considering I met the boyf in 3rd year and we’re still together now. He however is a tradie (Aussie slang for blue-collar workers) but did two years of an engineering degree before he decided he didn’t like it. He’s rediculosly smart and excelled all the way through school, but chose to work in trades. Maybe that’s why it’s different though -he is intellectually interesting and smart which is one of the reasons I like him.
Hmm, I wonder how it’ll go when I start work on my Masters?
February 1st, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Ahhh… the infamous Sex and the City line.. its funny cause i put it up on my facebook status this week too!
Just to add on, i feel this is particularly true in an Asian context. Especially a girl who has got her act together… But I say rock on, bring on the brains and beauty. Someone has got to like it!
What’s a girl gotta do to get some love!??
Cheers.
February 2nd, 2009 at 12:58 am
I’m not sure about the shrinkage of the dating pool with education - it has been a lot of years since I was in the pool. I can say that my wife and I both have advanced degrees. One of the things I intentionally looked for in my dating days was someone who was intelligent and who could stand up to me intellectually. I cannot help but think that there others like me to be found in the dating pool.
I have a number of young friends and colleagues (male) who sing the opposite side of the lament that they cannot find the intelligent, independent, educated women they seek. The problem may be in connecting the men seeking smart and independent women with the smart and independent women seeking men. One of the hazards of higher education is a generally shrinking social contact pool with the educational and career progress. I suspect that that may be the real issue.
Good luck in your pursuits.
February 2nd, 2009 at 2:59 pm
Interesting, indeed. I think that because of CIRCUMSTANCE, it makes it easier for people with like degrees or like-minded ambitions to fall for each other. And it is easier to relate to someone on the same “level” as you.
February 3rd, 2009 at 1:14 am
I think you really hit on something with you being put together and expecting the same from a man. It is increasingly clear to me that women are surging ahead in the game of life…
February 9th, 2009 at 10:49 pm
I can feel this one. Sometimes I feel like pursuing a PhD scares men away more than bad B.O.– like men don’t want to feel like women may be more ambitious or opinionated than they are. However, I swear guys who like smart girls are out there– I found one who likes my nerdiness!!
April 9th, 2009 at 5:57 am
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