So this week has been ridiculous. Not, “feather boa wearing, ‘oh look I found $100!’, rainbows everyday” sort of ridiculous, it’s been more like “sweet baby J, someone just kill me now so the misery ends“. See the difference?

I have to admit, I wasn’t feeling that inspired to write anything other than ” WHY IS EVERYTHING SUCKING SO MUCH RIGHT NOW?” in size 84 Comic Sans font, but that didn’t seem very reader friendly. Then I started cleaning out an old hotmail account and found this list  I wrote in the summer of ‘06 that I just had to share. Because 1) I think it’s mildly amusing, 2) It’s evidence to the kind of stuff that I used to send my friends ALL THE TIME because I didn’t know about blogging (I’m a little slow when it comes to technology) and 3) I feel it’s my duty to spread the word about men who have dolphin tattoos on their UPPER THIGH.

1. ONE lesson I learned from Oprah. Believe what you hear. If a guy tells you he is a jerk, he is.  If I tell you I’m the smartest person you know, I am.  If a co-worker tells you he wrote a song for you for your birthday… he did. And he will play it with his eyes closed at the piano, so be prepared for four very uncomfortable minutes you can never get back. (Note to the fellas: Unless you are Justin Timberlake, think hard before you pull the piano out to serenade your CO-WORKER.)

2. Always pay your parking tickets. Especially ones from the Parking Services at the University of Alberta. Years later they will find you. I think the Parking Service attendants may have FBI training on how to hunt down a man. I could be wrong but I don’t think I am.

3.  ONE email account system is a cult. That would be: gmail. AND I LOVE IT so much I think we are ready to throw out the condoms.

4. There are EIGHT things that will always bring a party down. They are: long lines, ex-boyfriends, surprise deaths, bad dancers, rain, too many chilies on pizza, a dj’s obsession with rave music and closing time. There are EIGHT things that always bring a party up. These are: themes, after parties, flair (a la “Office Space”), people from other countries, any sort of contest, Van Morrison, fire in any capacity and Patrick Swayze.

5. There are TWO types of responses to unpleasant events. Sometimes the best thing to say is nothing. I mean, don’t actually reply by saying ‘nothing’, but just keep silent. (Because saying ‘nothing’ is actually saying something. Obviously.) Then there are the other times where you need to really say a lot. And loudly. And usually with a foot stomp or a rude gesture that isn’t a thumbs up. True geniuses know when to employ each tactic. I have not.

6. There are exactly SEVEN things that you should never take for granted. These are: your health (take your vitamins!), air in your tires, a kiss so good the memory of it can get you through a dry spell, joker rummy, nice weather and kids who tell you that you smell good.

7. There are THREE types of pain. One, is physical, like say when you accidentally give yourself a mammogram with a ladder because you’re not sure how to close it. That’s a pain no one should have to deal with. Even really awful people should be spared that. In fact, I would rather sign up for torture 101 in a cave somewhere in the Middle East than go through that again. The second is emotional, like when my friend got told she smelled like hot dogs by a little kid. Again, no one should have to go through that. The third is a spiritual pain, like when you get spiritually hurt. (There needed to be a trifecta of pain and I honestly can’t figure out how to b.s. about spiritual pain right now…)

8. There is exactly ZERO polite/acceptable/non weird responses to a seeing eye dog that crawls under your change room door at the GAP. Surprisingly “oh hello.. it’s a dog!” makes you sound weird. Because well, the whole situation is weird.

9. Always trust your instincts, but never date a man with a dolphin tattoo. Even if your instincts say you should.

10. Say ‘yes!‘ to reading Harry Potter, birthday parties with themes, squash (both the food & the sport, although I’m partial to bochi ball) and letting people beat you at Scrabble so they finally get a taste of victory. Say “no!” to velcro shoes, ping pong with strangers, men with dolphin tattoos on their thighs (or any sort of aquatic tattoo on the upper thigh) and leaving paper mache & chicken wire volcanoes outside dumpsters for your ex-boss to have to clean up.

You. Are. Welcome.

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 19th, 2009 at 12:02 am and is filed under because we should be giving advice, costumes make things fun, from the desk of brandy, going back in time, i spell favourite with a U, lists, what I found when I went looking. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.