Hoop jumping
I’m writing this post from a sulky place, just to be forewarned.
I’m feeling what might be best described as professional life depression right now. As you may or may not know, I am a PhD student in a rather fierce program, one that ensures that fatigue and caffeine overconsumption are rather regular states for me. This program is not one where you merely leap through the hoops lined carefully in front of you, one by one, and then merrily skip on your way. Instead, though the hoops remain, they are scattered every where. Sure, some are still piled at your feet. Others, though, are hung from tree branches, way higher than my short legs feel able to hop. Still others are hidden in bushes and down in wells. I still get out my ladder or my flashlight and try to find them, and dutifully keep hopping on through. Sometimes, though (as in right now), it feels like there is no way to find them all without a little more help or luck than I currently possess.
As I’m sure is mighty transparent right now, I had a recent setback. In a nutshell, I had been in touch with a practicum site I very much wanted to work with for a while, with encouraging feedback. The main supervisor had told me to get in touch in March to formally set up a meeting. Then today, after doing just that, it turns out that the placement will not be offered after all. This is not the first time that I have been indirectly told that they will likely be able to offer me a spot, only to have bureaucracy get in the way– and get in the way after I’ve missed other possible opportunities. So, here I am again, despite doing everything by the book, scrambling to find experience that I want, and realizing I’m going to have to keep working in less fulfilling areas just to go through the motions of getting more hours.
It is always a funny reminder that hard work doesn’t necessarily equal results. I think we all know on the surface level that this isn’t the case, especially hearing of all these economic and employment injustices in the current economic climate. Still, it always stings more than you expect when it happens to you. The inside of my brain is like a pouting child right now. “It’s not fair! I work hard and get good reviews and do all the right things! I deserve this!” But, really, it has absolutely nothing to do with me. It is not like they decided to cancel the placement just to spite me in particular.
Have you ever had a case where hard word didn’t pay off in your professional life? If so, how did you cope?
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:06 am
I think that feeling of stacked deck is common to all PhD programs that require real research and practicum style appointments. There is nothing I can say that will make you feel any better right now, but you have my sympathies.
One of my thesis advisors explained it this way: the degree classes and original research requirements are just the necessary condition; the ability to maneuver through the system and protect yourself and your research is the sufficient condition. Both are needed to be successful. Given that he was a Nobel laureate, I listened and heeded his advice.
So chalk this up to a lesson and from now on keep many paths open at any moment. Good luck!
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:17 am
I teach 5th grade where our state tests “show” how well we’ve taught. Really? You’re holding me accountable for how 10 year olds do on a test? Do you know how unreliable they are on any given day? Ask parents if they always perform (act/say/do) what you want them to. But you want to make teachers accountable to how students perform ONE DAY on a standardized test? And in some states make pay correlate to those test scores. I can tell you what that will create….a whole lot of cheatin’ teachers!
March 3rd, 2009 at 9:09 am
I’ve worked extremely hard in my position, only to have my promotion given to a friend of my directors…
who was WAY under qualified and ridiculously overpaid I might add.
he pays for that mistake everyday… shes a huge pain in the ass.
For a while, I did want to punch him (my director) in the face though.
March 3rd, 2009 at 9:16 am
You make voodoo dolls and get the frustrations out.
Then you just pick yourself up off the floor and go for it again…
March 3rd, 2009 at 11:05 am
Its hard to have to jump through the hoops and its a very unpleasant part of corporate life. And another reason I have yet to go back to grad school.
I agree with Fabulously Broke — make voodoo dools.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Oh dude this is so frustrating. As for hard work not paying off… last year finding out a job I was up for went to the vice principals niece really sucked. And still subbing after graduating four years ago is rough on the ego. People say it’s all about ‘being in the right place at the right time’, and I know I’m supposed to find comfort in that, but it works the other way actually. It makes me feel less in control seeing that hard work just sometimes isn’t enough, all these other factors like fate and timing and ‘knowing people’ work into it too. This has been a tough lesson for me to learn. My thoughts are with you and my fingers are crossed that your situation works out!
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:56 pm
I was supposed to find out yesterday about a job I had a second interview for last week. It was down to me and one other person and I’m scared they already offered it to the other person and I will be getting a letter in the mail later this week “We regret to inform you, you just weren’t good enough blah blah…” I really want to email them to find out and make the anxiety stop, but I keep getting told I should just wait. What do you think?
March 8th, 2009 at 8:24 am
I spent a long hard month preparing to demonstrate our software to Lehmans - like 12 hour days; the contract on offer was for about 3 million US $, and 2 days before the demo they went down
The thing is - you cant mull on the what ifs, you just have to pick yourself up, dust yourself down, and start again!
Hope it gets better for you
March 21st, 2009 at 12:29 am
Similar program, same hoops, and frequent frustration. I just found out my funding is ending 2 months early….and I can’t do a darn thing about it. I can’t work harder or anything. I was able to figure out the money side, so now I’m going to take that time and work on my own stuff.