The debate rages on…
And, no, I’m not talking about chocolate versus vanilla, Harry Potter versus Twilight, or whatever the cool kids are debating these days.
I’m talking about the debate that even When Harry Met Sally didn’t resolve… can men and women be just friends?
I’m generally in the yes camp, myself, mostly because I have a some solidly wonderful male friends who have never even tried to hug me a little too enthusiastically, and also because my boyfriend has a number of female friends who can cry on his shoulder without trying to nibble on his neck at the same time.
I do think, though, that my placement in the yes camp is also tinged with a bit of pragmatism.
Yes, men and women can be friends– but that doesn’t always mean it is easy or uncomplicated.
Yes, males and females can be friends– but that doesn’t mean that he has never thought of you naked, or she hasn’t wondered what kind of a kisser you are.
Yes, we can be friends– but that doesn’t mean that there will never be an opposite gendered friend who never had any platonic intentions to begin with, and will toss them to the wind at the slightest hint of opportunity.
Yes, we can be friends– but that doesn’t mean that people won’t question the nature of your friendship.
Yes, we can be friends– and there are times when none of the above will ever matter.
What camp are you in??
March 10th, 2009 at 1:41 am
It has always seemed that men and women can be friends. I have friends who are female and friends who are male and even some where the classification scheme fails. The few times where the friendship has headed to left field happened no more often than my experiences with mm or ff friendships going south.
If you have already judged whether someone is possible friend based on sex, how are you any different than racists, appearancists, etc.? Friends are to precious to limit by physical charateristics, be it appearance, sex, color, etc.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:52 am
i assume we are talking about straight men and women. there are a select few who can be friends without complications. but they are few and far between.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:27 am
I always thought they could be friends. But I’m a girl and don’t think about sex all of the time. And I’m married so I’m not trying to get married.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:04 am
As someone who has mostly female friends, I am most definitely in the yes camp.
March 10th, 2009 at 8:59 am
I’m on the yes camp also, but agree on all of your “buts”…it’s never simple.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:14 am
i wrote a post on this a while back and i’m still undecided about it. i have some male friends who i’ve never been attracted to but they have had feelings for me, then i have male friends who we both have an attraction toward each other but can’t do anything about it due to different circumstances. i think that no matter what, one of the people is always going to have some feelings for the other or have some other motive than just being friends.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I’m in the middle, but lean toward the “it’s complicated” arguement. I definitely think they can if they’re attached and all of that. My boyfriend has lots of female friends, but for the most part they’ve come into the group as they’ve started to date or marry his male friends.
I never had many male friends, and those I did just never felt quite right, and in some cases definitely ventured into the “more than friends” category for one or both of us.
March 10th, 2009 at 10:43 am
Im in the yes camp.
also Vanilla is way better than chocolate. Anyday.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:19 am
Sure they can! I have several guy friends who are truly “just friends”. I have a few others who are friends but with some residual tension. My boyfriend has three very good friends-who-are-girls, and he admitted that at various times there were lots of crushes but none of them were ever mutual at the same time.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:34 am
I think they can, but I only started thinking that when I finally found a relationship I wanted to be in, instead of “may as well, why not” be in. Then I didn’t even consider the other guys around me as anything other than friends. As they know I have a boyfriend, I’m hoping they wouldn’t consider anything either… I might be wrong, but I think they can!
And Chocolate over Vanilla - NO DEBATE.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
My best friend is a guy. We joke about the whole “if neither of us is married by the time you’re 40 . . . but you have to quit smoking if I agree to have children with you . . . then we’ll get married” thing, but that’s all it is. A joke. It’s nature for men and women to think of stuff like that, but that doesn’t mean it ever, ever has to happen.
March 10th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
i think im in the yes camp. but like you, i have a lot of “buts” in the back of my mind too.
ps- i just watched this movie on sunday again.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
TWILIGHT, HANDS DOWN.
Sorry, just had to get that in there.
Yes they can be friends. Can they be heart-to-heart-soulmate-best friends without one party or the other developing romantic feelings?
i’ll believe it when i experience it!
March 10th, 2009 at 3:50 pm
“Yes, males and females can be friends– but that doesn’t mean that he has never thought of you naked, or she hasn’t wondered what kind of a kisser you are.” I think this says it perfectly. I had a friend in university who was a dude and we often talked about it. And then, you know, slept together and later went back to just being friends. I think once you accept that there’s a good chance you WILL think more than friend thoughts about the person, it’s so much easier to be friends.
March 10th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Also, this will be the only time I agree with Matt. Vanilla is better than chocolate.
March 10th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I am in the yes camp. Yes, men and women can be friends.
March 10th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
I want to believe that we can “just” be friends. So so badly. But my experiences are teaching me otherwise…
March 11th, 2009 at 8:31 pm
Yeah, I think men and women can just be friends. Most of my friends are female, and I know we’ll stay friends because most of them are either married or much older than me.
March 12th, 2009 at 5:04 am
We wrote about this the other day on the Secret Lady Garden blog over at wordpress.
The resounding answer was ‘NO’ it always gets messy somewhere along the line…maybe you never find out, but I think at some point, one of the other of you gets conflicting feelings.
March 21st, 2009 at 12:32 am
If they are attracted to each other….I think it is really hard. You know how we all have flaws….this is mine. I’ve been involved with most of my attractive friends (I think we all have bad impulse control), but I don’t regret it. Many times it makes us closer, though it can be a bit odd when we all get together…..eh, you only live once, right?
May 29th, 2009 at 10:07 am
[...] reading over some back posts on UNW, I took particular interest in Princess Pointful’s post about “The Debate” over men and women being [...]