Dealbreakers
Even the most calm, cool and collected of us have idiosyncrasies. Even the most well-dressed, poised and polished person in the room likely has a bad habit, or two, or maybe a nagging anxiety that keeps him or her up at night. Yet, when searching for a boyfriend, girlfriend or partner we often look for perfection.
Many girls look for a man who is kind, caring and generous, wealthy, smart and good looking. He can hang our shelves and fix our broken electronics. We want a man who can whip up coq au vin from scratch just as soon as he can dial for pizza. He gives good massages and you like the way his arms feel around you.
This fictional perfect man is from a good family with kind siblings and loving parents. He’s well educated – maybe Ivy League – and he looks damn good in a suit. He reads the New York Times in the morning and he likes to cuddle until you fall asleep – but then he’ll roll over because he knows you like your space.
He doesn’t exist.
There are a lot of great people in the world with flaws. I am one of them. I sweat the small stuff and I run late a lot. I don’t get to the gym as much as I should and sometimes I get cranky when I’m tired. I can be a little sarcastic – sometimes too sarcastic for my own good and when the bill comes in a restaurant, good God, don’t look at me to do the math or we’re all over-tipping.
Since The State of Perfect doesn’t exist, we have to pick and choose what qualities are important to us in a boyfriend or girlfriend. And we also have to pick and choose the flaws in a person that we can live with. There are some flaws that I think are perfectly acceptable in a man. Plenty. But there are also some that drive me crazy. And those include:
· He takes himself too seriously
If you can’t laugh at yourself once in awhile, you’re too uptight
· He doesn’t read
I know we’re all busy but I was an English major. I don’t exactly channel Shakespeare, but I like a good book when I have free time and it’s important to me that a man I’m dating at least know the difference between there, their and they’re.
· He’s a finicky eater
If a guy is scraping the mayo off his sandwich or eating salad sans dressing to cut calories, it’s a red flag for me.* If he isn’t happy with the way he looks at a healthy weight, what is he thinking when he sees me in a bathing suit? I believe you should eat what you like and enjoy anything in moderation. Seeing as I spend half my time cooking and taking pictures of food, it just wouldn’t work out.
· He drinks because his friends do.
Regardless of whether he actually feels like going out on a particular night. A mind of your own is sexy, even on $5 pitcher night.
· He talks smack about mom
I once dated** a guy who once said, in anger, that his mother was acting like an “F-ing idiot.” If Mom gets the F-word, imagine what’s in store for his wife.
And that’s just me. What are your dealbreakers? Please tell me I’m not the only judgmental one out there. When you’re on a bad date, what is the one (or two…or seven) thing that makes you want to run for the hills?
*With the exception of someone who is watching their diet for health reasons. I’m referring purely to vanity
**Please note the past tense
March 19th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
1) He’s rude to service people/tips poorly
I can’t deal with someone who treats a waitress/waiter like they’re trash or undertips for no reason.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:48 pm
1. Showing off– indicates extreme insecurity it makes me so uncomfortable!!
2. He must love (or at least tolerate/appreciate) animals
I’m sure there are more, of course, but that’s what I’ve got right now.
March 20th, 2009 at 1:04 am
1. He swears constantly. Don’t get me wrong, I love dropping the F bomb too, but all the time? To me it just lacks creativity.
2. Someone who has no self confidence. Seriously. I like myself. I’m good at stuff. I can’t date someone who isn’t comfortable saying the same thing. Being a cheerleader 24/7 is exhausting and eventually you end up starting to believe the worst things they think of themselves.
3. Smokers. I know, it may be cliche but I dislike how it tastes.
4. Guys who don’t love their mom. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t need you to send her a Hallmark card everyday, but a guy who doesn’t think his mom is awesome? Or worse yet doesn’t show respect towards her? That’s lame.
5. A guy has to like March Madness. Or at least be willing to tolerate all my Tom Cruise couch jumping craziness that goes on while I watch it.
March 20th, 2009 at 5:02 am
1. No job, no car, no license.
2. Addiction.
3. Lack of respect.
4. No interest in my children.
5. Chefs. I’m just not going down that road again.
March 20th, 2009 at 7:08 am
Arrogance. Can’t stand it. Don’t get me wrong, confidence is good…. but arrogance will make me walk away no matter how hot he is!
March 20th, 2009 at 7:47 am
Any kind of arrogance. Smoking. Long hair - just doesn’t do anything for me. No sense of humour. I need to laugh like I need air.
And although I am generally with you on the reading thing, I was at one time madly in love with a boy who didn’t read much, and though he could spell, was always in such a rush with everything that his writing left a lot to be desired. Still, it didn’t matter. I guess if they’ve got everything else you want, you let things slide.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:17 am
1. Lack of self confidence is the worst and biggest deal breaker for me.
2. He cannot be rude. Has to have manners and be accepting of others- I like a man with humility.
3. No goals no motivation= deal breakers.
March 20th, 2009 at 10:51 am
Lying. Lying is the deal-breaker for me. I need a guy who can be honest with me (and himself). I am not expecting him to be perfect (who WANTS to date a perfect man anyways? Bo-ring) but as soon as I feel honesty is missing from the relationship, that is when I question it. I am a pretty laid-back person, and I like my guy to have his freedom but one lie turns into two … two turns into ten … and then I can’t trust a word he says anymore.
March 20th, 2009 at 11:07 am
Arrogance. I’m not a drinker, so someone who drinks a lot and makes fun of those who don’t isn’t my style. Sarcasm is ok, but I don’t dig it when it’s always pointed at making fun of others. No interest in books, reading, or having in depth conversations…but he can’t be too snobby about the former either. Rudeness is not ok.
March 20th, 2009 at 1:33 pm
lack of ambition, no sense of humor, and irresponsibility (because really, rent is more important of a bill than the bar tab)
March 20th, 2009 at 3:25 pm
Maris, what happened to making fun of eHarmony??
March 20th, 2009 at 5:18 pm
just a few of my 731 deal breakers: a bullshitter, disrespect shown toward anyone, prejudice, poor tipper, dirty fingernails
March 22nd, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Popped collars, racist jokes, and too much of a need for routine.
March 24th, 2009 at 10:52 am
denim shorts. not allowed.
March 25th, 2009 at 11:28 am
It was over for me when I discovered that my then-boyfriend had once had his belly button pierced. What straight man does that?!?