The one in which I steal Matt’s thunder… or the funnier side of sex.
So.
After seeing “I Love You, Man” this weekend (side note– Paul Rudd? Call me. Awkward men make me swoon), I had fully intended to write about the difficulties in making friends as an adult, without seating charts to make the decisions for you.
But then Matt wrote about sex.
And then I realized that no one would want to hear about the time when I’d just moved to a new city and almost went out for coffee with the girl who wrote “I heart Jesus” in her binder, despite being in the 3rd year of university, because I was kind of lonely. Instead, they would scroll down to the sex post, and read all the scandalous comments.
And, thus, I decided that rather than fight the trend, I would shamelessly copy it.
As such, I bring you part two of the UNW posts about sex… the more ridiculous side of sex.
We all know that sex can be hot or sweet, tender or dirty, or even a delicious mix of these. However, whenever you are working with something so sensitive and volatile… the opportunities for epic mess-ups are endless.
There’s the awkward body sounds and reactions. The clumsyness and opportunity for injuries (I once drunkenly rolled/fell off a bed. Not sexy.) The chances of being caught. The miscommunications. The differences in boundaries and expectations. The sheer weirdness of some people (a friend of mine was cuddling a guy for the first time, and, before he’d even kissed her, he asked her, very earnestly, “Would you like to say hello to him?”)
So, now that we’ve all discussed the saucier side of sex, is time for the more ridiculous and embarrassing side…
Being a good sport, I’ll go first.
My ex-boyfriend and I, while upstairs at his not-home parents house, decide to play around with some chocolate syrup for the first time. He excitedly pours loads of it over my chest, then proceeds to rub in in. After a few enthusiastic licks, however, he proclaims “Wow. There’s an awful lot of syrup on you.”
I look down to see my chest unappetizingly covered in not a mere swirl, but a sticky smeared mess of brown.
“There’s no way you will be able to get that off me,” I agree.
Unfortunately, his sister is home, so I can’t merely waltz to the bathroom in my cocoa’d state. I also can’t put my shirt on for fear of ruining it. Instead, he fetches a washcloth, and we try to dab it off me. We then notice we have also managed stain his white sheets in a decidedly unappetizing manner.
After we have managed to smudge off the bulk of the unappealing mess from my chest, it becomes apparent that I am apparently allergic to the topical use of chocolate syrup, as I have broken out into a flagrant red rash.
Between this, and my later pitiful attempt at a whipped cream bikini that melted and slid off me the second I moved (Varsity Blues, you lied to me!), I decided that perhaps food and sexy times are not the best of pairs.
Now it’s your turn. I want to hear about your most comical, humiliating, silly sexy-time stories. Don’t make me be that awkward TMI girl with the chocolate syrup rash!
March 24th, 2009 at 3:19 am
After dating a guy for a short while I decided it was time to spread the love, so to speak. I was obviously getting into it a bit too much and hadn’t realized my dog had made a special appearance for the finale!! As climax came said boy got bitten by my dog, who clearly thought I was being attacked (good boy!!). At the time I couldve died from embarrasment, looking bk it was a bonus - we never had sex again and he wasn’t that great so thanks puppy dog!
I too have fallen off the bed many a time!!! Also, I have had that allergic reaction, but to all the colourings in edible underwear!! X
March 24th, 2009 at 6:05 am
i’m gonna shorten it to a one-liner to spare me the horror (again).
the (ex)boyfriend, an oily salt body scrub, candles and i don’t mix well.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:02 am
My biggest would have to be giving the girlfriend oral then tasting blood in my mouth. Yes, it’s exactly what you’re thinking.
Other antics would be having sex with the ex and then her mom and stepdad knock on her dorm room door
- being horny enough that we actually did it against a tree where anyone who stopped could have seen us.
- the girlfriend decides she wants to put chocolate syrup onto my penis, let’s just say this was a bad idea as I was uncomfortable for about a week.
March 24th, 2009 at 8:10 am
This post was fucking awesome pointful!!!!
or how about when you are having sex and all of a sudden you get a wicked cramp in your leg but you refuse to stop until your whole body is paralyzed and you are lying on the bed aching in pain and she is wondering what the hell is wrong with you??
March 24th, 2009 at 11:18 am
My ex and I were at his parents’ house. He was staying there for a couple of months between moves. We decided to put his mattress on the floor so that we could really go at it without moving his squeaky bed too much and be more discreet. His brother walked in, saw us on the floor, then walked out. FUN.
March 24th, 2009 at 11:46 am
I decided to be sexily posed on the kitchen table wearing a saran wrap dress when the ex got home. He was late- very late- and the dress was too tight for me to jump off of the table. Saran wrap dresses make you Sweat!!!! By the time he came home I was a panting dripping mess begging him to cut me out of it.
FAIL
March 24th, 2009 at 1:21 pm
I used shampoo as a lubricant once- it turned it my skin down there was allergic- it blistered…
March 24th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
Let me just say that some flavored lube tastes like POO and sticks everywhere and is overall HORRIBLE.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:34 pm
I dislocated The Ex’s shoulder while we were switching positions…
good times.
March 24th, 2009 at 9:00 pm
Oh, the things I miss out on by keeping my V-Card…
March 25th, 2009 at 4:26 am
more than once i have elbowed my beau in the side of the head when we’re moving around…also there was the time i tried to run my fingers through his hair and wound up jabbing him in the eyeball…the crazy leg camps 2 seconds before orgasm that totally ruin the mood because you’re suddenly in agony…and the time we tried to be all suave taking off our clothes while standing up/making out and ended up getting caught in the legs of our jeans and falling….ahh… they don’t call it “getting psychical” for nothing.
March 25th, 2009 at 8:20 pm
$100.00 spent on drinks at the bar
$8.00 spent on ingredients for grilled cheese
$4.00 spent on BandAid pain numbing spray
Drunkenly burning your hand on the stove while making grilled cheese and forgetting you have tingling, numbing cream all over your hand while “pleasuring” and having sex with your girlfriend at 4:00am causing her to scream, wake up your roommates, and jump in the shower attempting to douche all of the cream out from inside of her … priceless.
(Oh God)
March 25th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
Inspired to answer your question in great detail, I posted it on my own turf, located here: http://gracefullystumbling.blogspot.com/2009/03/sex-fail.html Enjoy reveling in my pain.
March 26th, 2009 at 11:42 pm
My g/f and I once got a standing ovation from the rest of the floor after a rather fun session. I lived on the quiet hall for the year, and I guess we weren’t too quiet. We walk out into the hallway, and EVERYONE is standing there clapping.
March 27th, 2009 at 7:32 am
[...] I must have missed the memo this week, because no, this post is not about sex. [...]
March 29th, 2009 at 4:08 pm
I was once walked in on by the guy’s roommate. That was excellent. Much later that night, when I thought everyone was asleep, I made a toga out of the bedsheet and went to the kitchen to get some water where, of course, I ran into the roommate again. Awesome.
March 30th, 2009 at 12:28 pm
I once drunkeningly attempted affections with an ex-boyfriend who wound up kneeing me in the face as I lost my balance and fell forward to greet said knee. My lip was busted in a very noticeable way, thus earning me the nickname “Hot Lips” for the remainder of the semester at my internship. My boss found it absolutely hilarious because there was basically no way to lie without looking like a victim of domestic abuse. So even though I fibbed and they pretended to believe me, they all knew the real reason Sara missed work that day. *sigh* I’m just happy they were good-natured about it.
August 19th, 2009 at 9:39 pm
bernie is that you
August 19th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
bernie is that u?????????
August 19th, 2009 at 9:40 pm
BERNIE IS THAT YOU??