Those three little words
When I was 17, I impulsively told a boy I loved him. It was the summer. I was starting college in the fall, and we were dangling our feet off a cliff into the lake, my parents packing up their picnic basket in the distance. We’d been dating for nearly a year, talking on the phone in my bed late into the night, me slipping into his room from the guest room after his parents began to snore. He asked me what I was thinking about, and the words just tumbled from my mouth. Into empty space.
It was not like those moments in the movies, when the words then explode from him in a fit of uncontainable joy. He looked frightened, overwhelmed. He told me he couldn’t say it back.
I couldn’t erase those words, which suddenly threw a gravity into the entirety of our relationship. We broke up soon afterwards, and I swore I would never be the first to say those words again. For as good as I felt up until the moment they spilled from me, they had the power to ruin everything.
As ridiculous as rules based on anything from adolescence may be, I’ve actually held onto this one with an iron grip. I’ve been in love twice (despite the power of that one utterance, I now am not convinced of the real weight behind my words), both times in the shadow of that one occasion. And both times, I have bitten my tongue, sharply, for months at a time, to the point where my head was spinning with the weight of all that was left unsaid.
I felt like I was on the verge of bursting when these words finally came from his mouth. He knew it, too, saying he could see me swallowing my feelings in certain moments. I still don’t know if I was wrong to keep it in, to cling to an old heartbreak as reason for suppression. Then again, maybe good things do come to those who wait.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:57 am
I had a boy tell me he loved me first before I ever told him. It took me a good 3 months to feel right about saying it that time.
I’ve had other boys tell me they loved me and I’ve *never* been able to say it back to them. So maybe I’m on the other side of the scale?
But, one time, the most recent time, I hid it until I just about burst, but finally took that dive and said it first. Mostly just because I HAD to, and also because I knew he wasn’t the sort of boy who would say ‘I love you’ first. But he said it right back, and 3 years later we’re both still saying it. So it’s worked out? I guess?
May 5th, 2009 at 4:41 am
My boyfriend found out that I loved him months ago. I didn’t tell him, it was just implied.
I wish, wish, wish I’d never told him, because it isn’t reciprocated, and I’m afraid it will never come naturally for him, now. There’s too much pressure.
I’ve always thought the guy should say it first.
Unfortunately, I was right.
May 5th, 2009 at 7:12 am
I like the guy to say it first. All my exes I’ve waited a year after they’ve told me and then broken up with them soon after I’ve said it. This time round, I had to swallow saying it first and when he said it I said it right back. At least it meant that this time I knew.
May 5th, 2009 at 9:02 am
I always thought the guy was supposed to say it first…
May 5th, 2009 at 11:54 am
I think if you feel it you should say it. But it’s still scary to say it first if you’re not sure they’re going to say it back.
May 5th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
What? There’s rules about who should say it first? Good heavens, I think if you’re far enough into a relationship that love has entered into the equation, then you’re far enough in to let go of rules that govern who can say what and when, no?
I agree with Angela - if you feel it, say it. You’re holding back because of fear that they won’t say it back. The only reason I would suggest that you hold off is if you are saying it way too soon, i.e. within a month of meeting the person, because then you’re right, it does have the potential to ruin something that could grow into a really beautiful relationship that could last if you just wait a bit longer and don’t scare the other person off.
However, if it’s been long enough, I don’t think you should hold off. Yes it’s scary to say it first. But if you really love them, and they don’t love you, wouldn’t you rather know so that you can move on? And if they DO say it back, it’s the greatest feeling in the world.
May 5th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
When I was 17 I had a bestfriend/boyfriend/quasi-platonic man-friend who used to tell me he loved me with regularity. I was scared and never said it and when I did he told me he no longer felt the same way. I know, I know DAWSONS CREEK-ESQUE DRAMA.
It’s hard to say it for the first time but it’s definitely worth saying If you feel it, chance are you’re not the only one
May 5th, 2009 at 10:29 pm
i’m old school and wait for it. that may be the only thing that goes unsaid in my world.
June 11th, 2009 at 12:37 am
I’ve only ever said it to three women, and only meant it twice. Those words get tossed around too much, but I tell those I’m with the importance. I guess I’m old fashioned like that.