A Contribution to the Debate
Some of you may have noticed his comments on several recent posts, but the newest blogger to grace the pages of UNW is Kurt, a 25-year-old copywriter from New York. When he’s not busy writing ad and marketing copy by day, he will share with us the insights of a single guy living in the city. While he doesn’t currently maintain his own blog, he may be inspired to start one in the coming months. Stay tuned, and in the meantime enjoy UNW’s newest addition!
While reading over some back posts on UNW, I took particular interest in Princess Pointful’s post about “The Debate” over men and women being friends.
Since I have some strong feelings on this issue, I thought I’d weigh in with a little input from the male perspective.
First of all, my best friend is a girl. We’ve known each other since high school, spent 2 years in the same city right after college, lived together for a while, and even shared a room (out of necessity) for a brief time. Although I’ve always found her attractive, I’m not attracted to her. We are the definition of platonic.
With that said, it hasn’t always been that way.
We hooked up a few times in college, and I’ll admit I had a pretty healthy crush on her for a while. But at some point that all passed and she became like my sister.
Now I can say with complete certainty that not a single bone in my body is attracted to her, and the fact that we lived together is proof: Try sharing a living space with an attractive member of the opposite sex, when you’re both single, in your early-20s, in an alcohol-laden environment. If nothing happens, trust me—you’re in the clear.
I have many other examples of that same “just friends” scenario—ones involving past hookups who have since become platonic pals. And you know what? They’re some of the most functional, healthy friendships I have.
So while this post doesn’t prove that men and women can be friends without some sort of attraction (past or present), it does prove we can just be friends.
I’d just like to offer one caution as a small tangent to this post: If your significant other has a coed friend, don’t assume it’s anything more than friendship.
My best friend and I have been pegged, stereotyped, and otherwise victimized by social assumption for years now. The result? We’re fiercely protective of our friendship, and anyone who can’t handle it can take a hike. It’s a dealbreaker for me, and I know she feels the same.
So whenever you see a man and a woman together in a social setting, don’t assume they’re dating. We’ve all become far too quick to judge what could be a perfectly healthy—and perfectly platonic—friendship.
May 29th, 2009 at 10:36 am
Good post, Kurt. This is a topic that I think people could talk about forever.
My personal opinion on it is that with friendships in general there is always an element of attraction, whether those friendships are male-female or same sex friendships. With male-female friendships, sometimes this element of attraction goes that extra mile and one person (or both) have (or have had) sexual feelings for the other person. I think this happens quite often.
I have a lot of male friends, and really enjoy their company. My problem happens when we become really close. Suddenly, I remember When Harry Met Sally. And then I think about Ross and Rachel, and Monica and Chandler… and then I think to myself ‘hang on, do I like him? If we spend so much time together and get on so well, *should* I like him? Does he like me? Maybe he does. Oh, hor romantic’ and so on. This overthinking inevitably leads to me either developing a crush on him or beginning to act differently around him, and then the friendship changes.
Sometimes, previously platonic friendships suddenly switch gear, and for a short amount of time there is a brand new dynamic sparkling away in the background for no discernible reason. Then, without warning, they switch back again: and the non-platonic spark fizzles out.
After rambling for a bit, I’ll come to the point: I think men and women can be friends but it’s a fine line between friendship and having feelings for someone. When you’re friends with someone of the opposite sex it’s often scarily easy to fall off the friendship tightrope.
May 29th, 2009 at 11:12 am
Quite the post, Kurt. It’s crazy…I have and attractive best friend of the opposite sex. We also went to highschool together, lived in the same city for 2 years, and shared a room for a period of time. Unfortunately it’s hard for most people to understand.
May 29th, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Haha, for anyone who didn’t figure it out, the aforementioned best friend also happens to be the one who posted the above comment…
May 29th, 2009 at 1:01 pm
I like the post–but I feel like it in fact proves that men and women can’t JUST be friends. You hooked up with her, therefor you got the sexual attraction out of the way and NOW–after you hooked up and it didn’t work–are you friends. Yeah, a lot of people can do that. That’s not so special : P
Also, you said anybody who can’t handle your friendship gets kicked to the curb. I don’t know many, in fact I would go as so far to say, I don’t know ANY woman/man who would be okay with their significant other being “best friends” with a member of the opposite sex who they have hooked up with before. That–to me–is crazy. So when you do find soemone who is okay with it, hold on for dear life!
again great post, and yo umake some valid arguments but I find the reasoning a bit flawed…
May 29th, 2009 at 2:00 pm
but if you guys never “hooked up”, do you think you would have reached the same comfort level that you have now?
May 29th, 2009 at 2:01 pm
I think men and women can be just friends, I’ve got a ton that I’ve had since I was a toddler. But I think it’s usually just a little more complicated when you meet when you’re older.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:22 pm
Two of my BEST friends are guys, and I love it. They give me the perspective I need, but none of the typical drama I have with my female friends. Also, I feel that it’s easier to maintain the friendships I have with guys vs. girls–if I don’t call them for a month they don’t flip out, its just business as usual.
May 29th, 2009 at 4:28 pm
Amen to that! 90% of my friends are guys and yes I may have hooked up with one or two of them at one point or another but we, like you, are fiercely protective over our friendships and that has sometimes caused us problems. I’ve even had them dump girlfriends because they couldn’t accept me as a friend and felt constantly threatened by me even though they feel like my brothers.
I am a true believe in platonic friendships - I wouldn’t change them for the world! x
May 29th, 2009 at 8:17 pm
oh my gosh. im so happy you wrote this post! I’ve been struggling with this subject for a couple months now. I have a couple really close guy friends, who are strictly friends, nothing more, nothing less. and its a pain when we go out for lunch or dinner and the bill is given to the guy- ack! stop that, we’re not on a date, just friends.
my ex and i have been chatting and hanging out and I must say i dont feel the attraction at all, people wonder all the time about us getting back together and his gf is paranoid. But we just dont want to jump each other anymore. and I’m sad because people assume when they shouldnt.
so yes like you I believe you can be just friends, but it gets icky when one person wants the other and the second doesnt feel the same.
May 30th, 2009 at 4:12 pm
I’ve been in both situations - really good friends with a guy that ended up turning into something more, and really good friends with a guy that I NEVER will (although I DID think for a while he liked me, and was a bit worried about it) but I can’t abide when people gossip and link me to my male friends when they know NOTHING about the situation.
June 1st, 2009 at 3:23 pm
My boyfriend’s best friend is a woman, and an attractive one at that. I can’t tell you how much flack I get about it, but, really, it doesn’t bother me. If he wanted to be with her, he would, but he doesn’t. Simple as that.