The One About My Dress
So, some of you may have heard that I’m in a wedding next week. Actually, if you follow me on twitter there’s no way you would NOT know about this wedding because when I first tried my dress on I said something like
“Oh sweet baby J. My boobs look like Scar Jo’s. I’m scared”.
And then I linked to a picture like this:
And then I had a heart attack.
Because seriously? That’s what my boobs looked like in the dress. If you were a dude, (like this guy) you most likely sent me a reply like ‘awesome, you’ll get laid for sure!’ or something and if you were a girl, you understood why this was slightly majorly horrifying. Milkmaid boobs are fantastic on a Saturday night when you are 21, but when you are 27 and are going to be in a wedding party? And you have four hours of wedding photos scheduled in the afternoon? And the two other bridesmaids are tall and lovely and so elegant they make Victoria Beckham look like a sloppy, unkept, whorey mess? It’s not as cool.
So I did the responsible thing and took the ladies out of the game. I went to my seamstress (Clinton and Stacey would be so proud that I HAVE A SEAMSTRESS) and asked for a few changes. Changes like “Please make me look more demure and less like a porn star thankyousomuch“. Of course my seamstress felt the need to give her input. She’s this wrinkly old Philippine woman who took great delight in saying things like “Much too sexy! No, no! We must fix. Too sexy, too much! Too much!” and inside my head I was all like ‘yeah, I know. That’s why I’m here. I’m not down with 250 people staring at my nipples while they chow down on a roast beef dinner EITHER“. But she was holding the sharp weapons of destruction needles and pushing them into my dress and I’m fairly certain one wrong comment would have turned my dress fitting into an unwanted acupuncture session with unsterilized needles.
So I played it cool.
Or as cool as you can play it when you have visions of being known as the ‘porn star’ bridesmaid at a wedding of 250 guests.
After nips and tucks and cuts, I went to pick up my dress today fully confident that I was going to be a vision of elegance, a modern day Grace Kelly in brown floaty fabric. Instead, my dress is now too big. As in, when I put it on I looked like I was being swallowed by a chiffon potato sack. I would say this was a step above being a porn star but it’s so big the straps slid down and my glorious seamstress may have saw my nipple. Porn star, indeed.
The wedding is in ten days. She’s promised to make all the changes I need before then. Cross your fingers that it happens. I’m not nearly bendy enough to be a porn star.
(And for those of you have sent emails asking what my dress looks like, here’s what it looks like on the mode. The picture doesn’t make it look as great as it does- I actually really love it, just not on me. Yet. My version is a lot shorter, chocolate brown and of course, there’s a lot more boob action. And I don’t look nearly as pissed as the model does in the photo. Is it just me or does she look like she’s wanting to cut someone?).
June 4th, 2009 at 2:29 am
[...] The One About My Dress June 4, 2009 Posted by brandy in 1/2 funny 1/2 serious 100% important, AHHHHHHHHHHH!, I’m a lady. I’m a tramp., i am slowly going crazy, if you’re shallow and you know it clap your hands!, it happened this week, it’s okay- you can skim this one, italics make it appear more thoughtful/interesting, the one that nobody reads because of the title, the title says it all, these are the things that happen to me, wedding season is kicking my ass, when strangers see you NAKED. trackback You can find the post HERE. [...]
June 4th, 2009 at 5:50 am
“Too sexy.”
!!!
That seamstress is now my arch enemy.
June 4th, 2009 at 7:49 am
I totally know where you’re coming from. The puppies are great if you do wanna get laid but for a wedding, you should never upstage the bride lol
June 4th, 2009 at 8:12 am
I feel your pain. My favorite dress usually covers me when I first put it on, but it stretches down to look like I’m going to a bar.
June 4th, 2009 at 8:36 am
dude, what i want to know is why we haven’t been emailing complaints about next weekend’s pre-wedding experiences to each other all along. my dress (for my brother’s wedding next weekend, for which i’m the MOH) fits except for one thing. it’s too tight around the chest. and, um, no amount of not eating (note: that’s NOT happening) is going to change that.
and i am still in desperate search for the right pair of silver shoes to go with my dress. and also a rehearsal dinner dress. procrastinate much? ummm.
weddings are bitches.
June 4th, 2009 at 9:23 am
That picture of scarlett is my new desktop background…
I know what you’re thinking now… but dont worry- Eva will always be my screen saver.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:02 am
That model definitely looks like she wants to cut someone.
I have the same problem as you do when it comes to boobage (is that a word? it should be). But thankfully my friend and bride to be come October chose a J.Crew dress for her bridesmaids (also in chocolate brown!) that doesn’t make your boobs fall out and scream “HERE I AM!” to everyone.
That seamstress of yours better not screw up your dress!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
I HATE WEDDING SEASON! I actually just wrote a rant in my blog about it. Good luck with the dress… I hope the seamstress fixes it so there no “wardrobe malfunction” at the wedding.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:29 am
The model is clearly angry because she was told this dress would make her look like Scarjo too.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:30 am
Aw shit. That sucks! If you were in Ontario I would definitely have you go see my mom who is a sewing genius. She would have your dress looking amazing. I will have her send good seamstressing vibes to your seamstress. I’m sure that’s how it works.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:36 am
It’s a cute dress! I hope the changes are made in time!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:53 am
firstly? that’s a fabo bridesmaid dress and holy hell have i worn my fair share. you can definitely bust this number out again! i think you’re going to end up looking amazing! i mean, the girl the dress is going on (you) is already gorgeous, so just a little alteration here and there and you’re golden.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:13 pm
Oddly, that looks nearly identical to the dress I wore when I was my brother’s best man.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:30 pm
So I clicked on the link to see what the dress looks like (yes the model looks pissed as hell) and immediately got wrapped up in looking at dresses. So thank you for providing yet another way to procrastinate at work!
June 4th, 2009 at 12:51 pm
Doing the whole matchy-matchy bridesmaid’s dress thing when you’ve got girls with different body types is always cruel, at least to one of them. It’s probably one of my least favorite things about weddings, because it always leaves one or two bridesmaids (if not all of them, in the event that the bride has horrific taste–and she often does, god love her) looking like crap in pictures that will be immortalized forever in someone’s wedding album…and now also on facebook, myspace, twitter and anywhere else where they allow people to upload pictures to the internet for public perusal.
Weddings are heinous.
June 4th, 2009 at 12:55 pm
OH MAN. I hope everything works out for you and the dress.
And if it doesnt…well, atleast you know you wont go home alone!
June 4th, 2009 at 1:25 pm
Yeah, it’s probably better to go “wedding classy” rather than “wedding skank.”
June 4th, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Heh I know how you feel! The wedding I was in, the girl picked out three dresses from us to choose from. One made me look like I was wearing a towel that barely covered my boobs, the other…well i couldn’t fit my boobs in them and the lesser of the three evils made my boobs look like Scarlett’s. Luckily all the bridesmaids had the same problem so at least my friend looked like she’d hired all pornstars, instead of just one.
Good luck with the dress!!!!
June 4th, 2009 at 2:24 pm
Dude, what is it with seamstresses? I went to one to when a bridesmaid dress was too big and she was all “tight! the girls like it tight, I know!” and consequesntly I wound up with a bodice so tight it was like a whale bone corset. I didn’t take a full breath the entire night. The only reason my boobs weren’t up around my chin was because it was halter-style.
Wishing you luck with your dress the second time around!
June 4th, 2009 at 3:03 pm
Buying an instant similar dress? Will that solve the problem? Because fixing it cant really guarantee anything. Unless you wanna stitch some part? The dress is pretty but the model looks pissed like you said
June 4th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
I’ve never heard the term “milkmaid boobs” before but I love it. It reminds me of the SATC episode with Charlotte’s second wedding where Carrie has a serious case of exactly that, AND her hair is in braids wound around her head which just makes the whole thing worse.
June 4th, 2009 at 4:23 pm
I am envious of flat chested girls. There’s no way I could squeeze my DDs in any of those cute little shirts that those who are less endowed get to wear. And, going bra-less? Forget about it!
June 4th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
All you need is a dickey. Dickeys were made for covering milkmaid boobs. It will be perfect.
June 4th, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I know exactly what you mean! My younger sisters and I were the bridesmaids for my older sisters wedding. Let’s just say my sisters are less endowed then I am. I felt like even the minister was looking at my boobs.
Awkward!
June 5th, 2009 at 11:29 pm
From my experience with Asians who go around chanting “too sexy,” I’m surprised your seamstress didn’t just give you a potato sack.
June 7th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
All I know is, I wish I were your date to the wedding!
June 7th, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Well, coming from someone who had to have boobs sewn INTO my wedding dress (by a Filipino seamstress who agreed I needed a little help…where exactly is that “too sexy” line?), haha, I can’t exactly say I know your pain, but I can say that as long as you don’t look nearly as p-o-ed as that model, you’ll be stunning in the dress…even if you do have to glam it up to take away the potato sack effect.
June 8th, 2009 at 10:41 pm
I wouldda told you to rock the dress as-is! But maybe that’s just because I’m still 22 and spent a weekend in Vegas where my boobs looked like that haha
June 10th, 2009 at 10:19 am
I know, sometimes it’s great to have a nice rack but when it comes to formal events it just isn’t….appropriate. I had that issue with my sister’s wedding. I was the made of honor and had to wear a dress what was a halter. The girls were covered but I looked 4 times wider than usual because of all the coverage.
Am I weird for disliking that line cleavage? I prefer Jennifer Anniston cleavage, no ScarJo cleavage where they’re pressed together.
Is that strange?
June 10th, 2009 at 5:14 pm
[...] some of you have heard (mostly because of the Dress Debacle of ‘09- which is 110% awesome now- even if my relationship with my seamstress is now strained because she [...]
June 16th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
[...] yes, I did pick out pictures that did not showcase the boobage. One particular blogger has already seen some of the lowlights highlights of the dress and [...]