Hurting the one you love
Sometimes, I feel a little naive. I do really believe that part of this whole being in love thing is truly 100% believing that the other person will never do anything to intentionally hurt you. That safety is such an intrinsic part of it.
Yet, it can be so frightening to hear how just plain cruel people can be to the one person that you imagine should be exempt from such coldheartedness– the one they love.
This weekend, over dinner, we finally heard the story of how a couple we met last summer had split, out of the blue. At time we had come to know them, they were seemingly idyllic, having just bought a home, and in the dreaming phase about their upcoming marriage, swooning over the image of saying their I do’s in Tuscany.
And then he decided it was too much. And left. Really, just as simple as that. He didn’t even tell her of this sudden sense of being overwhelmed. He just gathered his things and left one afternoon while she was at work. She walked through the door, expecting a typical evening, only to discover that everything had changed in a sickening series of moments.
Over drinks, this Saturday night, another friend tells me of a recent break-up. Of how they both knew things were slowly inching towards their conclusion after many years together, but neither of them had yet gathered the courage to actually finalize things. Until she went to Vegas, met a guy, had an undisclosed amount of fun with said guy for a few nights, broke up with her boyfriend, and, in their attempts to stay friends, proceeded to giggle about drunken voicemails from new guy directly in front of him.
The one that always punctuates things for me, though, is the tale of my friend’s sister. Her and her fiance were seemingly happy as clams for years. She then became pregnant. Although not directly in the sequence of their plans for the future, they had been discussing children very soon after the wedding, so it wasn’t a full u-turn by any stretch of the imagination, and they, as a pair, decided that they were ready to become parents. Until he changed his mind right after she’d given birth. And let her know by drinking with the boys every day after work and yelling at her for not cooking elaborate enough dinner’s when he got home. And, after her and their little girl returned home from visiting her parents (with multiple messages from him about how badly he missed them sitting on her voicemail), she found several items in their home belonging to another woman– another woman who, it turned out, was not aware that the new man she’d been seeing was engaged, and thought that all the baby stuff in the home was for his new baby niece.
We’ve all heard these tales a billion times over– but what gets me is that I have met all three of these offenders, in some capacity or another. And all three of them were not so evidently mean or cruel as these tales would lead you to assume. All three of them seemed to love their partners very much. Yet, somewhere and somehow, they lost all empathy for the one person their feelings should be fundamentally intertwined with. It makes you wonder where the potential for selfishness hides itself. Because, while I know that love can die, I always expect there to be that remaining tenderness for that person you once held so dear.
I can’t see how falling out of love necessitates being so damn mean.
June 23rd, 2009 at 2:44 am
Wow. It always amazes me how people can be such douchebags. Sure, love may not last forever. But do you have to let your partner find out in any way other than a serious talk!
My mums second cheating husband left the day after he’d bought a car with their shared money. The second car was going to be for him to use to go to work. Douche.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:42 am
Wow. There is some switch that seems to go off in people when love dies. The Bitch/Dick Switch seems to flip and all those vulnerabilites that you protect in your parter suddenly become the biggest target. It’s so lame! I’m anti the switch.
June 23rd, 2009 at 7:37 am
I think that may part of the reason some people are leery about committed relationships. Stories like that make you wonder if its worth. Yes love can die, but do hearts have to be smashed in the process. Where does the love go?
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:15 am
I’ve never really understood that either, in the past. How do you go from loving someone to outright hurting them? But I think some of it may be a survival mechanism, you know you’re doing wrong and hurting someone and yourself in the process, but it’s easier to do that than think about what you’ve lost along the way. Or maybe I’m being too kind and people are just evil.
June 23rd, 2009 at 8:40 am
I hear stories like this and think how the hell can someone be so vindictive to someone they claimed to love? It makes zero sense, but I think a lot of people end up being driven by impulse emotions and end up losing any sense of reality. It’s ridiculous.
June 23rd, 2009 at 11:48 am
I think people walk out on bad terms to avoid having to see the one they were supposed to love fall into shambles. It’s a coward move, but it makes it easier on the one leaving.
June 23rd, 2009 at 12:54 pm
Having watched lots of friends go through lots of drama, I’ve come to the conclusion that there are ALWAYS little signs. I think a lot of people don’t want to see the little signs - we don’t want to admit that he could be pulling away or feeling different - but if we look closely, they are there. I do not think these signs are evident to people outside the relationship - only to the people in it.
I also think that men process a lot of their feelings without communicating them - they go through the pros and cons and mourning and everything else without sharing how they feel - and then they drop the bomb that they “can’t do this anymore.” I think they’re just wired differently than we are.
The best thing any girl can do is trust her intuition. If any little thing seems off, investigate it. Don’t ignore it or think it’ll all change when you’re married - because it likely won’t and you could be setting yourself up for a big heartbreak.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:11 pm
No kidding. I’ve been on the receiving end of this type of douchebaggery from my ex-fiance when he broke up with me. The “switch” went on immediately and the sweet guy I wanted to marry became a gigantic, cutthroat asshole.
I’m not mad at him anymore because honestly, it’s not good for me to carry around that type of anger. I get why he left, and I’m even glad we’re not together. But I was so upset for a long time that this man could turn on me so quickly and treat me like shit just because he’d decided he didn’t want me as a partner anymore. Like, come on. I wasn’t trying to win him back. A little civility would have made things much easier on both of us.
June 23rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm
People suck.
But at least they didn’t get stuck in marriages with these sucky people.
June 23rd, 2009 at 3:28 pm
I’ve definitely been on the receiving end of this. And I don’t get it either, but it certainly has left me traumatized. I mean, really - why can’t we just be civil and rational to one another? In love or out of love - people still deserve respect.
June 24th, 2009 at 12:34 am
if you figure it out, let me know. i have an eerily similar story.
July 2nd, 2009 at 2:42 pm
hm, well actually im currently on the giving end of this ordeal, i dont mean i did something like cheat on my boyfriend but everytime he gets too close to me, i say something really hurtful. and i cant stop myself from hurting him really bad. i kno that i will say something but the only thing i can do is just not talk to him or else i will hurt him. but the thing is it hurts me to say those things more that it hurts for him to receive them. i really dont kno what to do, really i think maybe if he stayed far away from me that would be the only solution. i cant stop and i have no idea why.
July 9th, 2009 at 4:39 pm
My friends boyfriend broke up with her via voicemail on her BIRTHDAY after being together for 9 years. awesome right?
I think it’s easier to hurt the one you love then to have to deal with all the emotions of a breakup. It’s cowardly and pathetic but gets the job done. Quickly.
June 8th, 2010 at 2:32 am
…
Yes! I agree what you say!…
June 17th, 2010 at 5:50 am
I did it. I’m horrible. Why? I don’t know. I seriously don’t know….
August 15th, 2010 at 9:16 pm
Somehow people start thinking about themselves and lose their empathy and their bearings. They turn into monsters. It’s like they don’t even realize how hurtful they are - sometimes downright evil in little ways. My ex asked me to hang out with me and her new guy.
…she left me for him after he divorced her ex-best friend, broke my heart into pieces and left me penniless alone, and with the world on my shoulders, and wants to hang out, all of us, like she didn’t fuck us all over? Could she even imagine how a request like that feels? It’s sickening. That kind of carelessness is as bad as the offenses themselves.