An Unofficial Little Dating Poll
As you may have been able to tell from my first couple posts on UNW, I am very (perhaps excessively) interested in dating, relationships, and the general dynamics between the sexes. Having studied social science in college and grad school, I find few things more intriguing than the theories that govern human behavior. Plus, everyone can relate to social science on some level—it’s accessible, and you don’t have to be a scientist to understand it.
So, let’s do a casual little study. If everyone offers some input, we can all hopefully gain a little insight into what makes the other sex tick.
Our topic is one of the most common—and yet anxiety-inducing—social practices we engage in: The phone number exchange/first phone call.
Ready? Let’s get started!
Question 1: Guys, if you get a girl’s number, do you plan to use it? Girls, if you give your number to a guy, are you hoping he uses it?
I’m sure there are guys out there who just try to collect as many numbers as possible, but I see that as a waste of time. Almost as a rule, if I ask a girl for her number, I’m going to use it. And, for right or wrong, if a girl gives me her number, I’m assuming it’s because she wants me to use it.
Question 2: Guys, have you ever given a girl your phone number? And girls, if a guy gave you his number, would you use it?
I personally tend to shy away from giving a girl my number for the simple reason that I doubt she’d actually call. By getting her number, I keep the ball in my court. That way I know there will be some sort of follow-through.
Question 3: What is more appropriate for the first contact, a call or a text?
This is an interesting one. If I’m going to ask a girl out on a first date, I’m absolutely calling. However, my friend Sarah says she thinks a text is more “official.” I couldn’t disagree more, since I could spend hours crafting a text or just have someone else tell me what to say. But if I’m picking up the phone to call, I’m committing to a conversation, meaning I’m going to be attentive and responsive for at least a minute or two. Definitely the right way to go, in my opinion.
Question 4: How long should a guy/girl wait before making contact?
I’m a little partial to this question, since I’m on a personal quest to end dating games. I personally believe the whole “wait 3 days” thing is garbage. If you like someone and you want to call them, call them. If they like you and they want you to call, it won’t matter how long you’ve waited. Or haven’t waited.
Question 5: If you call and get voicemail, do you leave a message? If someone leaves you a voicemail, do you call back?
I’ve had girls call back after I’ve left voicemails, and I’ve had my voicemails go unrequited. It’s a mixed bag. My personal policy is not to leave a message after the first call. If I wait and try again later and still get voicemail, then I’ll leave a message. If they call back, great! If not, I guess it wasn’t meant to be.
So, those are my questions. I’m sure everyone has an opinion on most of these, so let’s hear them. Feel free to answer all the questions or just one. Regardless, let’s get some feedback!
June 26th, 2009 at 10:42 am
1. Yes
2. Yes
3.Call- its weird explaining who it is over text. Ive tried.
4. I remember once I got a girls number on a saturday and I wasnt planning on waiting but just ended up getting busy. Then I was at a basketball game on that next Friday and remembered- shit, I keep forgetting to call this chick. So I called her at the basketball game, in front of my friends just to explain that I’ve been busy and still kind of am busy. I later found out that she LOVED the fact that I did this. I think girls actually WAIT for the phone calls whereas we dont think about it as much. So yeah, call… and call soon.
June 26th, 2009 at 10:58 am
1. Yes.
2. If I felt some sort of an attraction, yes.
3. I love texts! Starting a playful conversation over text messages and then calling for a date is fine. But I’m really not a phone person so if they make first contact by calling I get all nervous and the conversation will be so stilted. Its really embarrassing.
4. I’m with you on this. If you like someone, you shouldn’t have to wait. You don’t really want to wait, do you? (Also Matt I love that you called her to tell her that you would call when you weren’t as busy.) As a woman however, making immediate contact with a man always backfires with me. I think waiting, can sometimes, be a good thing.
5. I never leave voicemails. I’ll call once if they don’t return my phone call within say a day, I’ll send a text. If they don’t respond to that I write passive aggressive comments in my Facebook status.
June 26th, 2009 at 11:05 am
This poll will actually have a lot more layers to it.. anyway, here’s my two bit -
1. Yes, else I wouldn’t give him my number at all.
2.Yes, probably start of with a casual text
3. A casual text, but it SHOULD develop into a phone conversation - asking someone out via text is very very ambiguous
4.Wait? why would you want to wait? If you like him/her, call/text and get it started already..
5. Voicemail after the second call..
June 26th, 2009 at 11:20 am
1. Yes, definitely expecting him to use it. I wouldn’t be handing out my (correct) number if I didn’t want him to call.
2. Yes, I would, but I’ve stressed out about when to call and which number, especially if someone hands me a business card.
3. Text can be ambiguous. If you want a date, call me. Otherwise a text makes me think you’re not that interested.
4. I don’t like waiting, but at the same time, if I hear from someone really soon, or if I contact someone really soon, there’s a small doubt of desperation that creeps in my mind. I can’t help it.
5. Gah, leave a voicemail. I do, always. My cell is my only phone and I can’t pick up while I’m at work. So if you call me and I don’t answer, I’d like to not assume you were a telemarketer and have a chance to call you back. If I’m leaving a voicemail, I know then that if I hear from him, he is interested; if not, then he’s not. It’s a great way to put the ball in their court after making the first contact.
June 26th, 2009 at 1:10 pm
1. Yup, if I give a guy my number it’s because I’m hoping he’ll use it.
2. If a guy gave me his number… hmmm… this has never happened. I prefer the guy to take the first steps, it shows initiative and that he cares enough to make it happen. I like to see that. If I really liked him, I would probably call. If I felt sort of neutral about him, I probably wouldn’t.
3. Call, don’t text for initial contact.
4. Well, I would say it’s appropriate to wait till the next day to call. Longer than that and I start wondering if he’s really interested. If a guy left it till the 4th day to call, I would assume he wasn’t really interested in me and might blow him off if he did finally call. It’s rude to wait that long.
5. I leave voicemails. But I’m almost never the first person to make the call so it’s not really the same. If a guy called and left me a voicemail, I would call back.
June 26th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
1. If I give him a correct phone number, then yes.
2. Nope, and I suppose that I am a little sexist that way.
3. Definitely a call, for the reasons you mentioned, and because it communicates that the guy is willing to “make an effort.”
4. However long they want, and girls generally understand the 3-day rule. But after that, the longer they wait, the less interested I feel, because I wouldn’t waste my time going out with someone who’s only sort of interested, or calling because they are bored. If they are excited about meeting you, they will call sooner rather than later.
5. Yes, and Yes - because with cell phones you can see who called, and it’s weird if there’s not an explanation. Not everybody knows everybody’s rules about voicemail (whereas my friends for example know not to send one, you sort of need that interaction with new people and strangers).
Polls are fun.
June 26th, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Question 1: I’ve given my number out to more guys than who have called me. It depends on the guy whether I expect/hope he uses it. If it was just some flirting at a bar, I don’t really care if he’ll call or text or not. But if it was an actual conversation or connection, I hope he’ll use it. Otherwise I’d feel bummed.
Question 2: I’ve called guys when I’ve gotten their numbers, but not EVERY time. It depends on how much I was interested in the guy. But I would prefer that the guy make the first move.
Question 3: More appropriate for first contact? I’d say a text. It’s much more casual, keeping things low-key so you can gauge how the other person feels a little bit.
Question 4: I think if it’s more than two days that he’s not that interested.
Question 5: Yes, I’ll leave a message. And yes, I’ll always call back if someone has left me a message.
June 26th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
1. Yes, I’m hoping he’ll use it. I’ve outgrown giving out fakes. (Now I just make up a fictitious boyfriend when they ask.)
2. Maybe, but I’m old-fashioned and would prefer that he call me.
3. Call! Call! Call! It says he’s willing to make an effort and shows a level of interest. I usually say no if I’m contacted by text. At least until we’re a few dates in. And this from a non-phone person.
4. I hate the three days thing too. Childish foolishness. Call when you want to call. My favorite ex called the night we met and started quoting the Swingers messages. It helped that he’s hilarious.
5. I would certainly return a voicemail with a call. For some reason that doesn’t bother me nearly as much as being asked to initiate contact.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:00 pm
1. Yes, I hope the guy calls, otherwise I wouldn’t have given it to him.
2. Rarely, I prefer the guy call. This shows initiative and that he’s truly interested in me.
3. A couple (srsly a couple only) first time flirty break the ice texts are ok with me. But ultimately I want a phone call. There is no exceptions for asking on dates or to “do something” - It must be a phone call.
4. Waiting rules are so stupid. Please don’t play those games. Please.
5. Tricky! I don’t ever check my voice mail. So if the guy calls, and it goes to vm its best if he doesn’t leave a message, waits for me to see he’s called and for me to return it, or a few hours later send a “hey hows it goin?” text.
I love this stuff too. Relationships are fascinating, and I always teeter between being sociology junkie, and a psychology junkie.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:30 pm
Me too! I always wanted to take Social Psychology in college.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
1. I definitely don’t give out my number often, so if I give it to a guy, I’m really hoping for a response.
2. Maybe I’m silly and old fashioned, but I never like making the first contact after numbers are exchanged…unless I’m really into the guy.
3. A call!!!! Screw the text. I dated a guy who was addicted to the texting, we never had any phone conversations…that didn’t last long.
4. I think it depends on the person, but hopefully sooner rather than later. I mean you don’t want someone else asking him/her out before you do. And how soon they call gauges how interested they are. I find it flattering if they call right away…I don’t think it makes you desperate. I hate the games…making me wait is a terrible idea. I once went out on a 1st date and we had a gr8 time, he said so, that he’d call…9 days later…oh i was mad. theres no way he was THAT busy.
5. I call and leave a message. If they call you back great. If not, then its their loss.
I enjoyed reading your answers and the comments. Kind of nice to hear opinions from the other side.
June 26th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
ps I’m quite enjoying your posts on fridays. good job.
June 26th, 2009 at 8:38 pm
Yea great article. Would love to do a contextual link on my blog with you.
Thanks,
BP
June 26th, 2009 at 9:55 pm
You had me at “I want to end dating games”.
So my answers…
1. Yes, I expect a guy to call if I give him my number.
2. I think I would, but I would probably prefer if he called me.
3. I don’t know… I feel like texting sets the relationship off on that foot — I’m not convinced you can build something substantial from a text, but I’m still undecided. Personally I would prefer a call. I think. Ha.
4. I hate the “3 days” rule too. Just call if you want to call.
5. I don’t usually leave messages for anyone, but I always call back.
June 27th, 2009 at 7:29 am
1) I’d never ask for a girls number unless I planned on using it.
2) I’ve given my number to (VERY few) girls.
3) Hmmm. Maybe a text to set a time for a call? I don’t love calling without warning. Yet I like getting fun calls out of the blue. I’m an enigma.
4) A girl can call me five minutes later. I historically have called the next day. I’m not super patient.
5) I don’t always leave voicemail. I’m the type to text and say, “I called. You didn’t answer. You suck.” And then assume she’ll know I am kidding. I like to see if I can derail relationships before they start. (I totally can.)
I always return calls if someone leaves voicemail.
June 28th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
Question 1: Guys, if you get a girl’s number, do you plan to use it? Girls, if you give your number to a guy, are you hoping he uses it?
Yes. Unless I felt cornered into giving it to him. Then I’ll just screen his calls until he stops calling me.
Question 2: Guys, have you ever given a girl your phone number? And girls, if a guy gave you his number, would you use it?
I’d use it but not without first having a cocktail or four.
Question 3: What is more appropriate for the first contact, a call or a text?
Call. I prefer texts but not to strangers that you’re trying to impress. Would you send a thank you text message after a job interview? No. Bad form.
Question 4: How long should a guy/girl wait before making contact?
The wait 3 days thing is stupid. Don’t call me 2 hours after we meet but call me when you want to call me .
Question 5: If you call and get voicemail, do you leave a message? If someone leaves you a voicemail, do you call back?
Yes. Initially, you leave voicemails. Or I will not return calls. I leave them, so you should too.
June 29th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
Question 1: Yes, if I give my number to a guy it’s because I like him and want him to get in touch with me - I wouldn’t give it otherwise (I’d come up with some excuse).
Question 2: If a guy gave me his number, I would assume he wasn’t really interested in me, and no I wouldn’t call. (If he was into me, he’d get my number and make sure it happened!)
Question 3: A call is awesome! but it’s also a bit nerve-wracking, so if I happen to “miss it” and it goes to voice mail, I’ll call him back. A text is too casual & non-commital for first contact, but after that I’m all about text.
Question 4: If a guy contacted me the next day, I would love it. If it goes longer than 3 days (e.g. I meet him Sat, I should hear by Tues at the latest), I’m pretty skeptical about his interest.
Question 5: Yes I’d leave a voicemail, and yes I’d return one, even if it was to politely decline.questions or just one. Regardless, let’s get some feedback!
July 6th, 2009 at 5:02 pm
1. Yes. I would give him my number AND I’d expect him to use it. If he’s not going to use it, why ask for it?
2. I’ve been given a boy’s number before….and I used it, but it was after contact had been made via other connections and we were already friends on the dating path.
3. Call. text is great and all, but a phone call means SO much more. You can understand more of what is going on if there is a phone call compared to a text. You can misread at text SUPER easily.
4. sooner is better than later. if you wait longer than 3 days, the girl starts to become uninterested and worried that she did something wrong to ellicit a non-phone call reaction. call sooner. she’ll be happy. you’ll be happy. the world will be happy.
5. it depends. sometimes i’d rather leave a message, and if they want to call back they will and then i’m not getting rejected to my face (ear whatever). i do return voicemails 90% of the time. if they don’t leave a voicemail, i figure it wasn’t important enough for me to call back (if it’s a number i don’t recognize).
August 4th, 2009 at 11:12 pm
1. Sometimes. I usually don’t ask unless I’m interested….though if they offer I’ll usually say okay, but may or may not call.
2. I rarely give my number out, as I don’t like people randomly calling me. I’d rather get their #.
3. Text. Low stress, and a good way to keep it informal. Grab a drink, meet up, etc. Text-flirting is also way easier.
4. It all depends on the context. If I hit it off with someone, probably a couple of days. If it is more random/casual….probably the next time I go out or plan on going out.
5. 99% of the time I text for the first contact. If I have a history with them, I may call….but I’d much rather text.